I apologise for the way I acted when you said the McRib was back and then told me you were kidding.
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Me to Gonzo: Stop chasing after her! She’s toxic!
Gonzo: You don’t even know her, Mom!
Me: Well, I know she’s a toad.
If you see a dog by itself, check it’s collar, it might be lost
If you see two dogs by themselves, leave them alone, they’re on a date.
CANADIAN: im a canadian
DATE: cool i’ve never met a comedian befor
CANADIAN: [is too polite to corect them, dedicates entire life to comedy]
Hey Hotels! Stop keeping decaf coffee in the rooms. If I’m late and need to rush out the last thing I need is a cup of zero energy water that tastes like the Great Depression.
Peter Pan seems like a fun read until it’s an hour past bedtime and you’re trying to convince your kid that she always has to tell you before she leaves the house, even if it’s through the window in the middle of the night with a magical flying man
I hate when people take my glasses, put them on, and say, “Ohhh, you really can’t see” ..NO shit..
Indians will wait 25 years to have sex but not 25 seconds for the traffic signal to turn green.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: omg, yay.
BOWIE: Just for one day.
ME: I actua—I think it’s gonna take longer than that.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: No, I get that. It’s jus—it’s a length issue.
BOWIE: Forever and ever.
ME: I don’t…*rubbing temples* something between those, maybe?
If the government implants a tracking device on me the only useful information they are going to get is how many times I actually pee in a day.
EDWARD SCISSOR HANDS: I’m gonna kill you
EDWARD ROCK HANDS: not so fast
EDWARD PAPER HANDS: Looks like we’ve got a real Mexican stand-off
[someone says a word I’ve never heard before]
Me: *nods in agreement*
I used humor as a defense mechanism.
Also bear traps.
You can’t be too careful.
if you’re too polite to ask your date to leave just whisper “Mother might be getting cold in the pantry” while staring nervously at your kitchen.
Me: *puts mistletoe over our heads* oooh you know what this means
Dementor: what the hell
My last husband’s name is Don. I just added an E to it and walked away.
If I see you wearing those toe shoes, I will call the police and give them your description every time a crime is reported on the news.
GERGE: hey can u spot me for lunch? Im a little short on cash
JERY: crypto?
GERGE: crypto
JERY: what happened i thought u bought the dip!
GERG: I did! but then it dipped again
JERY: it double dipped?
GERGE: I DOUBLE DIPPED THE CRYPT
Hey guys, if you cross the seven seas by yourself you’ve committed the seven deadly swims thanks for your time
If you were curious about my level of crazy, I woke up from a nap in my recliner and tried to put on a seatbelt.
If my dog doesn’t like you, then I don’t like you. Unless you’re hot, then the dog can go in the crate for a couple hours.
Brain: Too much to think about to sleep.
Me: But I have work tomorrow.
Brain: I don’t care-
*alarm goes off*
-okay you can sleep.
Honey I Shrunk the Kids IV:
They shrink everyone on earth on purpose
The planet will never run out of resources
Everyone is eaten by ants
The Weeknd is back
Another couple invited my husband and me to do a triathlon and it’s way worse than we thought. Apparently “doing a triathlon together” is code for “doing a triathlon together.”
My wife and I toss a coin to settle our arguments. If the coin comes down, she wins, if it stays suspended in air forever, I win.
Angry drunks make no sense to me, I can only get upset when I’m not drinking.
Dentist: ok open up
“Well I guess it all started when my dad left…”
Dentist: no I mean-
Assistant: wait bill…let him finish
Friend: Our backstories shape us, but don’t define us
Me: Like Spanx
I’m going to make a secret pornography organization called The Illuminaughty.
According to this bathroom stall, my ex changed her number again.