@mostlydelirious

Phone just autocorrected “your” to “yore” in case thou wouldst think I’m smarter than thee.

Phone just autocorrected “your” to “yore” in case thou wouldst think I’m smarter than thee.

- @mostlydelirious

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@RuffaloShuffle

Arnold Schwarzenegger glancing up excitedly and then looking away disappointedly multiple times while watching the intro to “Hey Arnold”

@nbadag

DATE: so…this is your place?
ME: yea…not fancy but it suits me. *opens flap of bouncy house* oh, also do you mind taking off your shoes

@RidiculousSheri

In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.

@rockymomax

[first date]

-so how do you feel about octopus?

Her: I like em

-Whew! [lets other six arms fall out of shirt]

@SortaSarcastic

What am I doing with the rest of my life?

I don’t even know what I’m doing with the rest of this tweet…

@LizHackett

A kid in the grocery store screamed “I’M COMING FOR YOU, CORNDOGS!” as his dad opened the freezer, and I felt jealous that he has a catchphrase at age 10.

@LaptopShopWH

When the atm charges you 3.50 to take out your own money but tells you to cover your pin so you don’t get robbed

@limitlessjest

This country is bonkers. Toilet paper: gone. Bottled water: sold out. And yet nobody else thought to stock up on the single most important thing. Good luck now suckers! Ya snooze ya lose

@mrkoodge

*at an AA meeting*

“Hi, I’m Andy and I have a drinking problem. I have 2 hands and only 1 mouth. Lol.”

*gets aggressively escorted out*

@robin_991

“How’s the diet going?”

I beep when I back up now.