[phone makes noise]
[gets giddy about how popular I’m about to feel]Oh. It’s an email about car insurance.
[quietly dies a little inside]
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If you go to a ghost-themed party and they start burning a giant wooden cross, then you’re not at a ghost-themed party. And you’re an idiot.
dear teenage me, it’s the future. no flying cars but you will write jokes on a telephone. no don’t kill yourself it’s actually pretty fun
Why procrastinate today when you can procrastinate tomorrow?
Someone told me they don’t wear a mask cuz their nose is too big. Give me a break. I wear underwear.
Allen: I’ll never talk
Me: *selecting an allen key from my torture tools* we’ll see about that
My insomnia has it’s own toothbrush in my bathroom.
Mom used to say the only accessory a fashionable girl needs is a virtuous reputation. But it’s bracelets.
My wife is terrified of thunderstorms. The banging outside the window is horrendous, but if we let her in she’ll just get the dog all wet.
You can imagine my embarrassment when I was escorted out of the herpetologists office by police because he isn’t an std doctor
Wow I ordered too much food.
Here, you can have half of it.*5 minutes later*
Okay I’m gonna need that back
Doc : Do you know what blood type you are?
Me : Red?
I never over sleep in the mornings
I set an alarm, a back up alarm, and a 4yo once those fail
Gf: why have you been googling ‘can you milk a hamster’
Me: *wipes milk from mouth* it was for a tweet
DOCTOR: “How do you feel about taking medication?”
ME: “Uh, fine, I guess… but usually, I just pay for it.”
Apparently you’re not supposed to tell “That’s what she said jokes” during the Board meeting because it’s “inappropriate”
Several of my internal organs hurt, but I’m 100% sure it’s not my body trying to tell me something.
I’m going to be a ghost who haunts people with a high metabolism. Hate never dies
Just had a goat’s cheese sandwich. Well, he should have put his name on it.
“the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog”:
-overdone
-juvenile
-has no impact or weight to it“sphinx of black quartz, judge my vow”
-holy shit
-literally the most metal way to test out your font
-raw as hell
It’s only Cloud Computing if it originates in the Saint-Cloud region of France.
Otherwise, it’s just sparkling servers-in-a-warehouse.
*registering with a doctor*
Receptionist: “Thanks for filling in the form – you’ve missed the next of kin section”
*batman runs out crying*
Date: I like men with a bit of mystery.
Me: I have a pancake in my wallet.
My mom registered to see me speak at an academic conference at Yale, and under “affiliation” on the form she wrote “Sarah’s mom” 😂
Ancient Man “let’s form a partnership”
Wolves “I dunno. We saw what you do to cows”
Man “Haha, you can trust us” *hides sketch of chihuahua*
My teen says she is not able to wake up before 10 AM, so I’m going to make the most of this time…blow dry my hair, vacuum her room, test the foghorn.
My husband surprised me by taking the day off. I guess today is the day he finds out we’ve actually had a cleaning company for the last 5 years.
To whoever needs to hear this: Tie your hair back before you pick up all the dog poop.
Maybe she was born with it, maybe she was forged in the fires of Mount Doom.
me: [staring at myself in the mirror, trying to figure out who i truly am]
my reflection: soooooo what are we
The right sneeze can adjust a tampon.