I’m mostly excited to be divorced so I don’t have to eat this weird tomato and shrimp Jello dish at my in-law’s at Christmas.
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“Necessity is the mother of invention” okay I’m hooked, who’s the dad, is he still in the picture are you guys still together
Me, walking around the limbo bar: Imbeciles
Someone just threatened to call me later
Them: Do your best you can’t hurt me anymore.
Social media apps: Hold my beer🍺.
Don’t text and drive. Just pull over until you’re done using your phone. That’s what I do. I’ve been on the side of the road since 2011.
God: take the worst of his personality.
Angel: okay.
God: then take the worst of her personality.
Angel: got it.
God: now mix them all together.
Angel: what do you want to call this mess?
God: call it a kid.
The atoms that make up your body are ancient things, recycled over millions of years. You are made of stars, and also dead raccoons.
Good news! That lump I found in my breast turned out to be a Skittle.
I’m home alone for the first time in 45 years and I’m only 39
Ended a date early one time so I could come home and eat my hawaiian bbq leftovers before anyone else got to it
Doesn’t matter who you are, when that moment comes for you to drop your child off at overnight camp, you will experience that same emotional reaction that all parents have in that moment:
Realizing there’s one goddamn thing on their list you forgot to pack.
I pick up my dog’s poop with empty Snickers wrappers. What I do with it afterwards is strictly on a need-to-know basis.
I do this weird thing where I feel fabulous then I have to get out of bed
my parents support me pursuing comedy but they also think the big bang theory is peak comedy so i might be doomed
Parents, stop giving your kids these crazy names. I just found a love letter my son wrote to a girl named “Steven!”
Why is my kitchen floor so gross I just mopped like 3 months ago.
Sometimes I see an account celebrating big milestone after only 6 months on Twitter then I notice all their tweets are stolen and I get pissed that none of them are mine. Rude.
Anyone can pull a dr. doolittle like how do you know I’m lying, are you going to ask the animal you don’t think i can talk to, sir?
[Assembling scratching post to save the new sofa]
My cat: lol no
Auto correct changed “absence” to “absinthe” and now my kid’s school won’t let me be on the PTA.
[spoiler alert] Chemistry for Dummies is not about improving your sex life.
my toddler lifts up a piece of her salad and declares, “it’s a leaf, mommy.” and then: “let’s put it back outside.”
Guy next to me is doing a crossword puzzle, so I’m about to start dropping some big words in case he wants to ask me for help
Could you please put your screaming baby on vibrate.
One time I was so sad I wrote an entire Radiohead album.
Him: I like to play devils advocate
Me: There are way better games out there
My definition of the word ‘mansion’ becomes looser and looser every year. Oh ur asbestos bungalow has flyscreens? Um ok your Highness
100% per cent of survey respondents said: help us get out of this tall tree. we didn’t know this survey involved being stuck in a tree
Thank you for showing me your Facebook wedding album. Now if you have time, here is a slideshow of my top 36 scores in Mario Kart
Judge: You ran over him
Me: It was an accident
Judge: Then you backed up over him
Me: To see if he was ok