@taitutu

Phone rang for the 1st time in 4 months. My reaction was similar to finding a dead mouse on my porch. I circled it & poked it with a stick.

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@Lunatic_times

I cut my finger on a beer can, I now know how Julius Caesar felt when he was betrayed by his best friend.

@Holy_Mowgli

[customer service desk]
customer: hi, I’d like to make a return
me: ok great I’ll see you later then

@HenpeckedHal

I’m in pretty decent shape for a dude who was in a serious car accident and spent the last six weeks recovering in a hospital bed. That didn’t happen to me–it’s just a good yardstick for the kind of shape I’m in.

@TheDairylandDon

Alarm system? Yeah right. I’ll defend my home the way my ancestors would have. A series of large painted portraits with peepholes for eyes.

@saucy_peaches

HR writing an email saying I’m a naughty girl is not an acceptable excuse to not take awareness training…

Apparently

@david8hughes

*puts spider in the ocean*
“Now go free and flourish into an octopus.”
*cuts girl in half & puts in ocean*
“Mermaid probably.”

@KentWGraham

A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”

@RandomManik

Everything brightened up when you came into our presence.

– Food in my refrigerator.

@TuSoonShakur

My wife likes to tell folks our puppy was “fixed.”

But I just call a spayed a spayed.