@taitutu

Phone rang for the 1st time in 4 months. My reaction was similar to finding a dead mouse on my porch. I circled it & poked it with a stick.

You Might Also Like

@ElleOhHell

Jared Leto’s primary preparation for his role as the Joker was changing his middle name to Stil

@tastefactory

YANKEE DOODLE: *sticks feather in his cap* This is called macaroni
YANKEE DOODLE’S FRIEND: Ok, cool. Listen man, everybody’s worried about u

@zacharyflynn

Hey babe i wanted to marry you but i had to ask your dad first and he said yes so i guess i’m marrying your dad

@TheWoodenslurpy

I love raccoons. Part cat. Part dog. Part rodent. Part bear. Little people hands. What’s not to like?

@traciebreaux

Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me: moves 1 centimetre
Husband: I’ll take a bowl of ice-cream while you’re up

@RocketRankoon

My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: the one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.

@NeinQuarterly

New York: The city that never sleeps.
Berlin: The city that never sleeps until Sunday.
Paris: The city that never sleeps alone.

@smeagolsfree

I’m trying out a new email sign off. I’ve replaced “Best,” with “I bequeath to you an unspecified curse,”

@TheToddWilliams

[farm]

SON: *crying*

ME: Look, I told you not to get attached to the animals because eventually we have to eat them

SON *running away*: I HATE YOU!!

ME: He’s taking it pretty hard… but I did warn him

WIFE: None of us thought you meant the dog