*phone rings
Me: Hello?
Telemarketer: Hello how are you today?
Me to son: Come here baby, SpiderMan is on the phone!
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Therapist: “How does this make you feel?”
Me: “Feel?”
i love that gatorade says 0% juice. like yeah we’re well aware there’s no fruit named “cool blue”
Haven’t had a conversation like this in months
People will say astrology is bullshit until they read their star sign is ‘mind blowing in bed and a great kisser’ then its 100 percent facts!
and now a text from my mom:
are you okay??? you didn’t like my fb post about making jam, so I got worried
Me, in a job interview: My weaknesses? I’d have to say one would be serving customers. Dealing with people in general.
HR: This is a customer service position. It was in the ad title.
Me: Another weakness is attention to detail. But that’s really it.
Son: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: how long has he been there? he better cough up some rent money
Telling my kids this is why dinosaurs went extinct
Keep your friends close. Keep your enemies closer. Keep your frenemies in a dark basement filled with bees.
If you rub two sticks together fast enough, you’ll eventually start a widespread panic on the subway.
Boss: This is the 3rd time I’ve seen you slacking off today. Do you know what that means?
Me: You want me to move the couch into my office?
Sharks: [losing teeth]
Tooth fairy: please stop
wife: are you still reading that stupid dorothy and scarecrow wizard of oz fan fiction
me: i’ll have you know 50 shades of hay is a true literary masterpiece
BRIAN MAY: It was an accident. Let’s dump the body and split, we’ll meet up again this time tomorrow. Remember, no one can know about this. Can’t tell your friends, can’t tell your wives. You can’t even tell your own mamas. Understood?
FREDDIE MERCURY: (already humming) got it
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions
[first stakeout]
Cop: you seem disappointed
Me: *hiding my A1 sauce* no, it’s fine
A horse, a penguin and a chimp walked into a bar and that’s when I realised I was drunk.
Establish dominance over your children by whining louder
Whenever a long lost friend calls me, I get suspicious & wonder if he’s calling me to sell Amway products..
when you kill a mosquito someone else’s blood is probably on your hands.
I can tell by the dents & busted tail light on your car you are serious about making this lane change work for you come Hell or high water.
“You could have done so much better than him.”
Me: Mom, I’m right here.
In the new Star Wars film, Han Solo goes to Chewbacca’s home planet and discovers that all the other Wookies wear pants.
ME: [extremely burnt out] I need to take the day off to relax
ALSO ME: I wonder if there is a way that I could relax that would be more productive
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
COP’S WIFE: *now next to him on the couch* Because you’re scared of the movie
COP: Yes it’s too real
Spent a few hours hand sanding drywall and it always reminds me of my mentor Mr. Miagi who would say, “you’re no Daniel, now get back to work or I’ll beat you like a drum.”
My kids tell me I drink too much.
It’s funny they don’t make the connection.
Reasons my teen is mad this morning
– I took her shopping
– I bought the shirt she wanted
– I asked her to wear the shirt
– I don’t understand why the shirt doesn’t have the vibes
You can’t satisfy me in bed,
you’re not 7 pillows.