*phone rings*
“Yeh hi who’s this? Sure he’s here hold on.. Drastic Measures! Call for u.”
“Who is it?”
“Drastic Times”
*crowd goes wild*
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Oh your boyfriend proposed? Well I just realized my new dress has pockets, so I think it’s obvious who’s having a better day.
i’m wearing a jetpack to my job interview tomorrow so if they turn me down i can disappoint everyone there by just walking out calmly
How I’d get arrested…
me: tries to sleep.
clock: i think i’m going to karaoke in Morse code now.
You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.
Judge: Ms Spears, how do you plea?
“I’m not. that. innocent.”
*frustrated defense counsel tosses like 9000 papers in the air*
you mean to tell me Cameron Diaz dated The Mask AND Shrek? mmmk someone’s got a type
My Dad said he wanted tools for Father’s Day, so I brought my ex and my boyfriend.
On one hand, eating meat is bad for your body, bad for animals and bad for the earth. On the other hand, bacon.
One time my husband asked me to dance for him and I performed the entire Lion King musical to the best of my ability.
An old white man in a beard bestowing gifts from the sky? Please.
Me: My beautiful daughter, I would cross oceans and move mountains for you. I would fly into the darkness if I knew it would make you happy.
Daughter: Can I have a Dorito?
Me: I’m sorry but these are, unfortunately, my Doritos.
Dentist: Do you grind your teeth?
Me: Yes, I have a child.
not to brag, but mine was free
There’s a good time and a bad time to share feedback with your wife about things that have been weighing on you, like your inner most desires, hopes or just tightening lids better.
There’s also a horrible time.
Wife: *on hands and knees cleaning up a half a gallon of ranch*
If you keep laughing then you’ll always have the last laugh.
santa: make me a hundred thousand PlayStations
elf: *holding only a hammer* how
*to woman next to me in yoga*
how do you get the mat to stop curling back up
I love Bounty but even I think this is cursed
HER: i love mythology
ME: *sensing an opportunity* i love your thology too
Wife: is he okay?!
Doctor: he will be fin-
Me: *slips him $20*
Doctor: he’ll never walk again
Me: *acting surprised* oh no, and on the day we were gonna put up the Christmas lights!
I can really relate to eminem in “8 mile” because my moms spaghetti is really bad too
[shark-filled moat]
ROBIN: golly, Batman, how can we distract them?
BATMAN: *pushing him in* we’ll think of something, chum
[pearly gates]
ME: whoa
JESUS: sup bro! Welcome
M: have you… always had a-
J: falcon head? Lol yep come on in let’s weigh that heart
I ruined my diet to finish the last 5 donuts in the office because my coworkers are on a diet too so yeah, I sacrifice for the people I love
My mind is always on fast forward while my body’s in slow motion. I’m just like that channel where the sound is out-of-sync w/ the picture.
My 3-year-old said, “Daddy, you’re big & strong like a garbage truck.” Thanks, I think. I often view of myself as a mobile trash receptacle.
Always curious what makes people become sober. A guy told me turned sober after he woke up two hours away from his home in a strange home with two naked women. And I was like… I gotta drink more.
Mammals for $500 Alex
“Slow moving mammals that spend most of their time sleeping & eating”
What are sloths?
“Wrong, What are coworkers”
REPORTER: *asks question*
POLITICIAN: that’s a great question and thank you for asking it *answers a different question*