[phone rings]
“You’re gonna die in 7 days”

[me, pantless in dark kitchen, lips to phone]
Can u make it 5

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[Antiques Roadshow]
When this was first painted, the wolves were much further in the background. I would sell it before they reach the frame


me: sweet chainmail

knight: thanks tell six of your friends or I’ll kill you


don’t you just hate it when a zombie breaks into your home and starts doing their ironing right in front of the TV


[Applebee’s Manager Application]
1. Are you a good people leader
2. Can you manage a P&L
3. Are you willing to fistfight the Chili’s Manager


[at therapist]

I don’t know, sometimes I just feel invisible

Therapist: WHO SAID THAT?!?


DOG: woof

ME: you wanna go outside?

DOG: [wagging tail] woof woof!

ME: ok just a second

DOG: [pulls a gun] woof [gestures to door] woof


I was told that exercise helps with your decision making.

It’s true.

After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.


[mom sneaks up & scares son; ruins coloring]
Narrator: Does this happen to u? Then u need…
[cut to mom jumping on 1 foot & yelling]