Whatever, I’ve been in better hostage situations than this
You Might Also Like
Want to feel old? We’re closer to the summer of 2069 than we are the original year Bryan Adams wrote that song about, the summer ‘69 AD.
I was very concerned with my Grandma today
[Restaurant]
Me: I’ll have a Chef Salad, no lettuce.
Waiter: So just a bowl of meats and cheeses?
Me: Still call it a salad though.
All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.
Your pancakes will never taste as good as the ones your mother made because those pancakes had a secret ingredient, which is that you were six years old.
ANAESTHETIST: Count backwards from 100
ME: 100..99..98ME: ..3..2..1..um [looks round] now what?
ANAESTHETIST [muffled] You have to find me
My husband changed his brand of boxers for the first time in 35 years. I feel like I’m having an affair.
me watching old game shows: why are they giving away luggage sets. what a dumb and bad prize
me in 2022, today: why are suitcases $900
LOL!
If the British had won, today we’d all be celebrating the Fouurth of July
“You know, the average woman does it at least 8 times a year in her sleep.” -Peter Parker attempting to convince Mary Jane to swallow
*getting kicked out of bookclub*
me: please, all i need to know is how little the women are
YANKEE DOODLE: *sticks feather in his cap* This is called macaroni
YANKEE DOODLE’S FRIEND: Ok, cool. Listen man, everybody’s worried about u
Roses are red
Lemons are bitter
I should be working
But instead I’m on Twitter#NewEndingsToRosesAreRed
It’s important to teach your children math so they can better understand what episode of Star Wars they are watching.
Romance is:
Making her a sandwich and cutting it in half using your miter saw for the perfect angle.
Add some young bull sharks to your rich neighbor’s natural swimming pool for a little excitement
Before kids: I’m going to age like fine wine.
After kids: I’m aging like cheese. Left outside.
my fridge has a screen so sometimes I get bored and photoshop myself to make it look like im in there
DO NOT ATTEMPT TO SURGICALLY CHANGE YOUR SON’S BONES TO STEEL LIKE WOLVERINE. THERE WILL BE A LOT OF QUESTIONS.
Ever listened to 90s R&B lyrics?
Sex you up?
Licky boom-boom down?
No wonder none of us know what the hell were doing in relationships
Them: “I hate to be a…”
Me: “Then don’t.”
Me: there’s a swarm of beets outside
Her: you mean bees?
[loud thud on the window]
Me: get the gun
ME: *walks by to put anything away*
WIFE: [not even looking up from her phone] that doesn’t go there
Hey girl, I heard you like bad boys?
*starts jigsaw puzzle from middle instead of edges*
guy who has only been to ikea, walking into his second furniture store: can’t wait to eat the meatballs here
Don’t tell me to “relax” and then get mad when I pee my pants.
(gets down on one knee) hey I like being close to the ground
Me: can I ask a rhetorical question?
Her: sure
Me: well apparently not