*phone rings
15: I hope it’s him!
*phone rings
25: hope it’s about the job
*phone rings
35: (handing phone to stranger) i died. tell them
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[on a date at butterfly conservatory] they serve the best wings here
Birdwatcher? I’m more of a bird ogler. A pair of nesting cardinals filed a restraining order against me in ‘07.
My children have acquired a keen sense for knowing exactly when I’m about to forget them at a store.
i’ve always loved the phrase “when i wore a younger man’s clothes” from piano man. it’s such a poetic way of saying he stole a guy’s clothes
So…for no good reason a photoshop of a Bison and Sweetums, and probably something that will never be done again.
If both of my middle fingers are blown off in a fireworks accident I’ll never be able to drive again.
I reached for my bagel at a weird angle and now I need a chiropractor.
75% of a Scandinavian park ranger’s job is rescuing black metal bands that get lost in the woods shooting album covers.
I’ve been banned from the starwars subreddit for repeatedly referring to C3PO as “the aluminum foil”
Weird that humans evolved shins long before we’d need to find furniture in the dark
kids: the floor is lava
teens: the floor is laundry
Is that a pineapple in your pocket, or are you just….Why do you have a pineapple in your pocket?
Every day Facebook tells me I have memories and wants to show them to me. It’s like they have no appreciation for the cost or the amount of liquor I needed to erase them.
I’d be fine with a ghost living with me if each time a bloody message appeared it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR
Historical fact: The term “bro” originated over a hundred million years ago and was short for brontosaurus.
*eats hotdog like an ear of corn to avoid giving you mixed signals*
Titanic should have been called “Vacation Boyfriend”
My toddler just introduced me to someone at daycare as her friend. Not sure how many friends would spend two days pushing you out of their body kiddo
I like my coffee like my men…not in my colon…
Me: *on safari naked*
Elephant: *staring* how do you eat with that thing?
jfc, the doctor doing my physical just asked if I was “that twitter guy” so I said “yup, I’m the funny twitter guy,” and he responded “I didn’t say funny.” We haven’t even gotten to the awkward part of this appointment yet 🙁
After speaking with the psychiatrist, I’ve learned that “hungry” is in fact NOT an emotion. So I’m in the market for a new psychiatrist.
*walks up to bouncer*
“sorry pal, this is a private country club”
*peeks inside*
[everybody’s fist pumping hard as heck to kenny chesney]
Not sure to be insulted or not, but I cleared out a room of coworkers just by announcing
“I have a plan, trust me”
80% of parenting is trying not to laugh when you’re supposed to be mad
[First day as a teacher]
Me: *practicing in the mirror* You’ve got this, you’re gonna do great.
[Later]
Student: May I use the restroom?
Me: *laughing* I DON’T KNOW, MAY YO- oh dammit
I’m receiving intel from Irish Twitter ™️ that there are Americans saying they don’t put butter on sandwiches. What are you putting on regular ass ham sandwiches?! If I hear mayonnaise I’m notifying Homeland Security I swear to Christ.
Good Cop: We want to help you. Just tell us who was with you on the night of August the 15th.
Bae Cop: My parents aren’t home. Come over.
Neanderthal: *flirting* you know what they say, once you go Neanderthal you never go back at all
Scientist: why do they say that?
Neanderthal: because I smashed your time machine
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.