For a good party trick, drill a hole in the top of your medicine cabinet and fill it with marbles before you invite people over.
You Might Also Like
*Action movie guy gets shot 3 times* It’s nothing, I’ll be fine. *gets shot a 4th time* Wow ok, that last one, ok whoooooo.
The only way I would find gender reveal parties even remotely okay is if the guests had the option to boo when the gender is revealed
If you are stressed and it’s making me stressed, then your desserts are also my desserts. That’s science. Now be quiet and hand me a spoon.
You’re not allowed to judge someone based on their scream in bug related situations.
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a portal to another dimension.
I’m jealous that when an athlete gets injured it makes headlines. I need that kind of attention. “We at ESPN are reporting that Ron stubbed his toe on a table and when he went to look at it he hit his head on the table”
[Folding my wife’s laundry after 7 years]
Pile 1 – I have folded these correctly
Pile 2 – I think I have folded these correctly
Pile 3 – I have no idea how to fold these
Pile 4 – I don’t even know what these are
I’m prepared for anything.
Pull the rug out from under me and you’re gonna find another rug under there.
I am going to miss shaking hands after sex.
I put on a blue vest and just walked out of Lowe’s with 18 toilet plungers
Once I spilled an ENTIRE cup of coffee in a cab and the driver started freaking out, but miraculously, it all landed in a cup holder, and I soaked it up with a sock. When we arrived, the cab driver got out to see zero spilled coffee in his cab and looked at me like a magician.
I run from my car all the way to the front door of McDonald’s because fitness is a lifestyle
Splinter: Leo.
Mikey: I’m Michelangelo. That’s Leo.
Donny: I’m Donatello. That’s Leo.
Leo: I thought I was Raphael.– Why they wear masks
I’m equally comfortable holding a guitar as I am holding a baby, I just hold them both by the neck
I want my tombstone to say “Actually, i’m feeling much better”
I can’t stop canceling dates. it feels incredible. this guy thought he was gonna find out how many siblings I have and now that mystery will follow him to his grave
GF: I’m breaking up with you
Me: *folding socks lengthwise* but why
Don’t you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That’s why I do it.
What religious people say: “I have you in my prayers.”
What non-religious people hear: “I’m trying to raise Aquaman on this cat radio.”
Why is it, once you pick up a flyswatter, the little buggers never land
“If you can’t beat them, join them,” I say, as I join my kids in demanding someone make breakfast.
Qsieowrrtpd
That’s me picking off pieces of quinoa from my iPad
It’s a proud parenting moment seeing your kid throw away their own trash. You may also solve the mystery of the missing silverware.
This dude messaged me to tell me to just block the dudes that annoy me so I replied “good idea” and then blocked him and he was so right it felt so great
Girl Scout Samoa cookies are my favorite. But they gotta do something about that single serving size box.
The movie theatre: No outside food or candy allowed
Me:
Im writing a parenting book called kids won’t listen until you scream like your mother did.
[at daycare]
Me: I’m here to pick up my son
Daycare: what’s he look like?
Me: *points to my face*
D: oh. Ok
*slams jug on counter*
Boom! Fresh milk from the neighbor’s cows.
Wife: Ummm they don’t have cows…they have Dalmatians.
[ alone in a dark cemetery ]
me: marco