[phone rings]
“Hello?”
Hi, is your refrigerator running?
“WTF?”
…well Hillary is! Hi, I’d like to talk to you about the Clinton campaign.
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No, Susan, I haven’t just “grown a new beard” – I’ve rewilded my face.
Me: I’ll drink to that!
Person who brought me to church: [whispers] We usually just say “Amen.”
I like that all the Ikea instructions illustrations always assume I have a friend.
No coroner will need to do an autopsy to see what I ate, they’ll just need to shake out my bra.
ME: i saw a guy on the back of a van
FRIEND: …and?
ME: that’s it i guess
Me eating a dish that took me 17 ingredients and 4 hours of my day to make: This is pretty good!
Me eating bread with butter: I would fight god for this.
Fool me once, I buy a grenade, Fool me twice, I throw it..
Just looked in my 8 yr old son’s bedroom and I’m pretty sure it can’t be ruled out that the Malaysian jet may be in there somewhere.
I put sea salt on my seafood, so they can be reunited. Because I like happy endings.
she’s already got guys telling her she’s beautiful. be different. send her a cheese board.
Aggressively singing “This Is How We Do It” while putting my husband’s clothes in the hamper instead of the floor.
[1st date]
HER: I love autumn, it’s my favorite season
ME: [trying to impress] Yes, I love the way the leaves just… autumn off the trees
[restaurant]
ME: *reading menu* how’s the chicken parm?
OUR WAITER, TONY THE TIGER: it’s grr-
MANAGER: *glares at Tony*
TONY: it’s exquisite
[normally]
my bed has four corners[when putting on a fitted sheet]
my bed has 93 corners
If a cop is arresting you, just play the national anthem, he’ll be forced to stand still for the whole thing while you get away
Remember guys, it costs zero dollars to be annoying to strangers on the internet.
[after sleeping in a slightly different position] I have gathered you all here to read my last will and testament…
Me: *watches six consecutive hours of SVU*
Also me (brushing teeth for two minutes twice a day): Thith ith bullthit.
The elevators aren’t working and I work on the 10th floor.
I just may become the first person ever to call in sick from the security desk.
Most people like a little something to remember you by.
Skidmarks going out of the driveway isn’t one of those things.
My 5yo just told me all about one of his favorite classes: cafeteria
The trick is to have a night time routine. Turn off the lights at the same hour. Always brush your teeth. No TV in the bedroom. Think about every person you’ve ever met and their opinion of you for no more than two hours. Consistency is key.
judge: are you the defendant?
me: haha yup, guilty as charged
my lawyer: *whispers in my ear*
me: um whats the policy on take backs here
My dog is never excited if I’m the first one down the stairs in the morning. It’s all just panic and accusations.
“Oh no, where’s Mommy? Is Mommy gone? What have you done with Mommy?”
Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*
Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*
Trying to find the $59 airfare advertised by Southwest is the adult version of Where’s Waldo.
Murder is like cilantro. You either love it. Or it tastes like soap.
So when Steve Jobs started Apple in his garage he was an “innovator” but when I work out of my garage I’m “under arrest” for “selling meth.”
People who are bad at hiding, I see you
Dad:
Mom:
Two year old with over developed brain: Mother. Father. I do not mean to bother you but it seems I’ve soiled the crib. I tried cleaning it up but my arms are too small for me to-
Mom: Why do you have a brutish accent?
Dad: That’s the question you wanna ask?