[phone rings]
“Is your refrigerator running?”
*looks over at fridge holding a lighter up to a spoon*
“I don’t know what he’s doing anymore.”
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Snakes full of cheese instead of poison would certainly improve the atmosphere at this church.
Imagine the time we’d save if we could just normalize best friends sitting in on marital discussions and arguments so we wouldn’t have to relay all the details later.
If I insult you, I’m either flirting or genuinely don’t like you. Good luck with that.
How do you say “bra” in German? Stopsemfromfloppin
Officer: You were speeding.
Me: I am trying to keep up with traffic.
O: There Is no traffic.
M: I am really far behind.
I don’t know if my neighbour is having sex or disciplining her dog. Either way, I’ve paused Downton Abbey to crack the case.
[Home Depot staff meeting]
BOSS: Someone has been breaking all the wood. Any idea who it is?
ME: [tightening my green karate belt] Probably someone pretty strong.
[God naming things with his good friend Brent]
God: Shirts, but for your legs
Brent: Pants
God: Nice. Ok what about the sound of a dog breathing
Brent: Pants
God: You’re killing it today, Brent
Toss the darts, treat the wounded, tally the points. Repeat until only one child remains.
The writing is on the wall, or on my teen’s arm because I needed to write down a number and couldn’t find a piece of paper.
My sense of humour has been described as “oh god..” and “please stop, this is a funeral”.
“Do you believe in past lives?”
I don’t even believe in the life I’m currently living.
Jack: *runs up the hill*
Jill: *waits for an Uber*
Thank you Twitter for introducing me to brilliant people , but your suggestions of who is similar to me is making me reassess my life.
Her: mmmm Look at all this cheesy goodness.
Him: (a rat) Only from the finest mousetraps my love.
Liverpool sounds like the most disgusting place in the world to hold a swim meet.
I’m hungry what’s for dinner I ask but there’s no one home except for the dog and he isn’t cooking so kibble and doggy biscuits it is.
Husband: Stop introducing me as your first husband.
Fifth Third Bank? I don’t think you understand how to number things, which is something I generally look for in a bank.
ME: [opening present from kids] Partially eaten chocolate coins?
KIDS: You said you wished you had hundreds of bit coins!
ME: [hiding pain of crippling debt] Haha I love it
Annoy your wife by saying “wow” every time a chick gets out of the limo on The Bachelor.
When I’m mad at my kid, I don’t put the straw from the juice box in their school lunch.
A health scare but it’s just someone putting a salad in front of me.
Me: I know we agreed that you’d stay home but… things are tight right now, and I really need you to get a job
My Dog:
me: how much per hour?
babysitter: $15
me: okay here’s $2.37 million see you in 18 years
Surprise sex is by far the best thing to wake up to! …Unless you’re in prison.
An interrogator that just goes into the room and loudly eats a peach until the suspect confesses to everything.
How To Be A Parent
Step 1: have a child
Step 2: your guess is as good as mine
[son on his wedding day] dad what’s the best part of marriage?
[thinking about how there’s always bananas in the house] her smile