[phone rings]
“Is your refrigerator running?”
*looks over at fridge holding a lighter up to a spoon*
“I don’t know what he’s doing anymore.”

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I’m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous


*hit man puts on silencer*
*shoots gun*



*looks at case*
Oh I brought the awkward silencer


Water is good for you? I call bullshit. My phone drank some one time and guess what? IT DIED!


My 9 year old got an IPhone today and so far I’ve had 93 texts and 14 FaceTime calls from the other room just to say “Whatcha doin?”


“Is there a doctor on board?”
Im a doctor
“Okay quick the passenger is having a heart att-
Of fine arts
Doctor of Fine Arts


Apparently speed dating doesn’t involve taking amphetamines. UGH.
Worst night ever.


I can’t do this. I think I’m dying. Why does your face look like a donut?

~ me 30 minutes into dieting


[dracula slapping mosquito]
holy shit that really IS annoying


My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.


Have yourself a merry little Christmas.
*sees several cars pull up to neighbor”s house*
No, littler.