I’m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous
“Is your refrigerator running?”
*looks over at fridge holding a lighter up to a spoon*
“I don’t know what he’s doing anymore.”
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*hit man puts on silencer*
Gun: YOUR HAIR SMELLS NICE LIKE MY MOMS
*looks at case*
Oh I brought the awkward silencer
Water is good for you? I call bullshit. My phone drank some one time and guess what? IT DIED!
My 9 year old got an IPhone today and so far I’ve had 93 texts and 14 FaceTime calls from the other room just to say “Whatcha doin?”
“Is there a doctor on board?”
Im a doctor
“Okay quick the passenger is having a heart att-
Of fine arts
Doctor of Fine Arts
Apparently speed dating doesn’t involve taking amphetamines. UGH.
Worst night ever.
I can’t do this. I think I’m dying. Why does your face look like a donut?
~ me 30 minutes into dieting
[dracula slapping mosquito]
holy shit that really IS annoying
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
Have yourself a merry little Christmas.
*sees several cars pull up to neighbor”s house*