If you say “I don’t feel good” and a pregnant woman says “Me neither,” DO NOT respond with “Yeah, but you chose this for yourself…”
“Is your refrigerator running?”
*looks over at fridge holding a lighter up to a spoon*
“I don’t know what he’s doing anymore.”
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Sales person: if you buy a new Lexus we will make the first months payment
Me: so who makes the other 59 payments?
My neighbor threw away a stair lift. Unrelated, I can now go from my couch to the bathroom without walking.
In the earliest part of my life I was a man trapped inside a woman’s body.
Then mom gave birth to me.
My childhood imaginary friends grew up to become groupies for my very successful air guitar trio.
NOBODY MOVE I JUST LOST A FOLLOWER AND HE IS PROBABLY ALONE AND FRIGHTENED
How are we supposed to fear a storm named Grayson? I’m fighting an urge to iron its prep school uniform or ask it for investment advice.
Pandora has spoiled me. Five seconds into any conversation and I’m looking for the thumbs-down button.
OMG… JUST OPENED A CUPBOARD AND ALL MY POSTAGE STAMPS ARE PREGNA-
Oh wait, it’s Ravioli.