@david8hughes

[phone rings]
“Is your refrigerator running?”
*looks over at fridge holding a lighter up to a spoon*
“I don’t know what he’s doing anymore.”

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@NYC_Blonde

If you say “I don’t feel good” and a pregnant woman says “Me neither,” DO NOT respond with “Yeah, but you chose this for yourself…”

@AJslackie2

*Lexus dealership*

Sales person: if you buy a new Lexus we will make the first months payment

Me: so who makes the other 59 payments?

@krisv_723

My neighbor threw away a stair lift. Unrelated, I can now go from my couch to the bathroom without walking.

@HeyZeus666

In the earliest part of my life I was a man trapped inside a woman’s body.

Then mom gave birth to me.

@TwinSurvivalist

My childhood imaginary friends grew up to become groupies for my very successful air guitar trio.

@theshantilly

NOBODY MOVE I JUST LOST A FOLLOWER AND HE IS PROBABLY ALONE AND FRIGHTENED

@HousewifeOfHell

How are we supposed to fear a storm named Grayson? I’m fighting an urge to iron its prep school uniform or ask it for investment advice.

@badbanana

Pandora has spoiled me. Five seconds into any conversation and I’m looking for the thumbs-down button.

@0point5twins

OMG… JUST OPENED A CUPBOARD AND ALL MY POSTAGE STAMPS ARE PREGNA-

Oh wait, it’s Ravioli.