@better_off_dad2

*phone rings

Menacing voice: ‘Have you checked the children?’

Me: ‘Can you do it?’

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@Shen_the_Bird

genie: i will grant you any wish

me: i wish soup was spelled like soop

genie: [frowning] no

@peeb_z

Therapist: And what do we say when we feel like this?
Me: That’s show biz baby
Therapist: No

@TheHyyyype

[lava kids playing in a volcano]

“the floor is linoleum!”

@dorsalstream

Help! Lots of manta rays have washed up on the beach!

DISCUS CHAMPION: [rising from his towel] I’ve trained my whole life for this moment.

@Brianhopecomedy

Right before I left the house my wife asked me if I filled out my organ donor information and now I’m hesitant to start the car.

@pittdave13

[Reading of my will]
To my children I leave my vast collection of pants, which over the years we have affectionately referred to as your
*Everyone says simultaneously
“Our jeanetic inheritance”

@robfee

I have my hesitations about Paradise City if the first thing you brag about is the color of the grass.

@seanforhire

i noticed you didn’t put interpretive dance on your gift registry but i went ahead and got it for you anyways