I trimmed all the bushes in the front yard to make my house look bigger.
You Might Also Like
I have literally never stopped thinking about this
Me: *deals cards* okay boys what’ll it be
Quarterback: i pass
Roofer: i raise
Telemarketer: i call
Optometrist: i see
Origami Artist: i fold
I create my own luck. Also, my own problems. I’m very creative.
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: ohhhhh, hampire
Wife: “How did your first day as a lifeguard go?”
Me: “Amazingly well, thanks. Everyone was so friendly and waving at me.”
Cartman: Respect my
a a
Had a spot of bother earlier.
I heard you like bad girls. Well I’m bad. At everything. Winks at you with both eyes.
Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.
I don’t have an Alexa so I have to say things like “Matt, play music” or “Matt, turn the lights off” and then I have to do those tasks myself and it’s super embarrassing.
Welcome to anxiety club, I really hope more people show up. Maybe there was a terrible accident and everyone that was coming is now dead
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
Imagine owning a dragon…now set yourself on fire, because that’s what it would be like to own a dragon.
Idiots
I love surprising my girl, today she woke up single!!
Any t-shirt can be an ironic t-shirt if you hate things enough
artificial flowers are properly known as “flower decoys”; learn some flower calls, then use the decoys to attract and kill real flowers
Seek respect, not attention. It lasts longer.
for christmas I got the cat a plastic yellow gun that shoots soft fluffy balls for her to chase which she loooves. anyway it’s so funny now when she’s being a pain & we need to distract her one of us will say “cat won’t stop trying to eat from my plate. pass me the gun”
My youngest just brought me a bagful of her baby teeth and is demanding answers.
A timely reminder before St. Patrick’s Day. #PaddynotPatty
I don’t mean to brag, but I don’t need to buy a new Tamagotchi. The one I got in 1997 is not only still alive, but it’s healthier than I am.
I get home and realize where my house stood a shark now sits dressed as a house with its mouth open
Shark:[nervously makes house noises]
Pal: That’s an impressive stingray. How’d you catch it?
Me:*flashes back to being dressed as girl stingray* You know, the regular way.
The aliens among us mentally scream at having to continue this charade.
Sometimes, late at night, I’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
15 Is The Age Where You Either Look Like 11 Or 25.
[me, realizing I have a muffin top] oh no, I look delicious
So. I didn’t win the lottery again. If this run of bad luck continues much longer, I may have to consider actually buying a ticket one day.
it was the best of times, it was the cursed of times