*phone rings*
Menacing voice: ‘Have you checked the children?’
Me: ‘Could you do it?’
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Savlon antiseptic cream is not, as it turns out, toothpaste.
*googles how the hell I ended up here*
Don’t be rude, if the person in front of you in the Starbucks line isn’t concentrating, sweep the leg, step over them and keep the line moving
I love using food in the bedroom!
But, when it comes to wearing a condiment…
I mayo may not.
Just unlocked a memory of when I was in college and I was in Cabo with a guy I was seeing & he made me FaceTime my surgeon brother about the fact that his feet were swollen & my brother talked him through it then texted me after “do NOT give me a useless brother in law”
PRIEST: god knows how you’re behaving, and has a huge problem with it
ME (wasn’t listening): and also with you
once again my favorite hobby, lunging at people in parking garages, has landed me in hot water
Today’s life lesson: “I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing them off is a piece of cake.”
i can’t wait to hit my 80s & run for Congress
Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.
I never believed in hypnosis until I spent six straight hours staring at the bakery’s rotating pie display case.
Dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you both get naked and the societal expectation that women be smaller overwhelms you and the shame u feel about ur body drives you to tears
Southwest flight attendant told us to fasten our seatbelts because “the captain just saw Top Gun and wants to try something new”
People say I’m hard to get hold of but my fax machine is always on.
[MURDER SCENE]
ME: It’s a pretty open and shut case, Chief
CHIEF: For the last time, stop admiring the luggage the victim was found in and take a DNA sample
I don’t know why the principal, the teachers & my daughter are freaking out. I would have loved to have a beer in my lunch when I was 12.
“So what are you going to do?”
“Ask my boss for a raise.”
“Because what are you?”
“I’m a pelican.”
“And not a…”
“Pelican’t.”
“That’s right.”
“Thanks Marty, I really needed that.”
“No problem, buddy.”
*uneasily answers phone
‘Guess who?’
David?
‘No’
John?
‘No’
Mike?
‘No’
Steve?
‘No, I made you very happy the other night’
Haagen Daz?
‘NO’
Pizza Hut?
Boss: Are you going to do any work today?
Me: Has it been optional this whole time?
Teaching my son to use social media for the first time ever, since he can’t see his friends. We’re working on the fine art of conversation and how not to respond to every girl with “sup.”
boss asked me to get an accurate headcount and i said pretty sure everyone’s only got one my dude
“I Didn’t Want This But I Ate it Anyway to Keep Myself from Eating the Worse Thing and Then I Ate That Too”, an autobiography.
Starting another round of pottery classes. I may just be a beginner, but I’m feeling inspired. What should I make tonight?
a. A bowl
or
b. A bowl
My grandmother found my original Strawberry Shortcake doll from the 80s and it still smells delicious and I’m wondering what kind of chemical warfare substance N perfume they put on these dolls back in the day that it has lasted for so long.
(Halloween Costume Shop)
ME: *leaving after not finding anything*
CASHIER: *pointing to my face* Those masks aren’t free, buddy.
My husband swears he doesn’t read my stupid magazines, so I guess we have a ghost that leaves my Entertainment Weekly in the bathroom.
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
TV is so unrealistic. Friends drop by unannounced and people are happy to see them
What’s that movie about the girl who forgets Adam Sandler every day? I want to know her secret
Mom can you come get me?
I wished someone happy birthdsy in the group chat and now everyone is saying birthdsy