[phone rings]
“Mr Hughes?”
“Yeah.”
“We need u to come pick yr son up from school.”
“Ugh. Whats he done now?”
“Nothing. Its nearly midnight.”
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Seriously, soup?
If I wanted to drink my lunch I would go to a bar.
Actually Jennifer, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but i don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
Once my school teacher lectured me for unacceptable behaviour. That’s 30 mins of sleep I am never getting back
The escalator at the gym is broken, this is BULLSHIT.
i am not one 22-year-old, i am actually two 11-year-olds stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat
I hugged my husband when he got home from work and he seemed nervous. I knew something was off. The scent on his shirt smelled familiar then it hit me he cheated on me with my favorite restaurant. He smelled like shame and garlic bread.
Dear everyone,
I’ve seen all of your tweets this year.
You’re all getting dictionaries for Christmas.Sincerely,
Santa Claus.
How to make infinite energy.
Just spent 3 hours doing yard work *
* Looking for my gloves in the shed
I’m trying to convince this guy that ‘jesus is the reason for the season’ but loansharks have a different perspective
“Well, this is no good. How do I turn it off?” – The first primate to experience consciousness
Most things in life aren’t free. HOWEVER if you run fast enough, they are.
This year for Halloween I’m putting my kids in a giant bowl on the front step with a sign that says Please Take One.
Took my toddler for a long walk like a goddamned super mom…lost his stroller in the creek like the mom I actually am.
If you’re ever interviewed after my murder, please, for the love of god, don’t say “she had a smile that lit up the room.” Tell the truth: we always knew she’d get on the wrong side of a sniper or we were worried about that dangerous model train group she got mixed up with.
[little snake covering himself with glue before school so his crush will think he started shedding]
j o i m p
The phrase “don’t take this the wrong way” has zero % success rate
It’s all about how much devastation you can leave in your wake.
-kids
[Confessional Booth]
Me: I can’t do anything right.
Priest: Please get off of my lap.
You get: 1 hour of extra sleep
You lose: the will to live after the sunsets at 4pm
I was tired of arguing with my 3yo about getting dressed for school, so I made a sticker chart. Now, we also argue about stickers.
Him: Mmm…you smell like a bakery.
Me: I just ate 14 croissants.
Wipes away your tears using three precise karate chops.
*first date*
Me: *in the bathroom texting my mom* Hey can you vacuum the food crumbs out of my racecar bed I think I’m gonna have sex tonight
The neighbor kid talks a lot of shit for someone who isn’t allowed to leave the yard.
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
When I was pregnant and people would ask where I was registered I’d reply:
Pet Smart, we’re crate training this one
Whoa, whoa whoa…
I only lick people on the street when I need them to get out of my way.