Out of Office Auto-Reply:
I’m sorry but I’m overwhelmed and I don’t have my shit together right now so it’s going to be a while until I get back to you, and even when I do it may be a series of sighs and grunts in email form.
“We need u to come pick yr son up from school.”
“Ugh. Whats he done now?”
“Nothing. Its nearly midnight.”
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What happens when you retweet a compliment about how humble you are?
[lights focus on guy in interrogation room]
“Say it. SAY IT.”
*points at sign saying “Worcestershire Sauce”*
if u hurt ur leg u can use the frozen veggies at whole foods as ice packs 4 free. hold on im getting an update from the manager. no u cannot
For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me
*hides recorder in box*
*puts box in safe*
*digs 50-foot hole*
*throws safe in*
[5 minutes later]
9yo: *playing recorder*
16: Why do I have to go to college?
Me: It’s the next big step on your journey.
16: My journey where?
Me: Out of this house.
Ladies, if he:
– only wants to hang out when he’s drunk
– never brings you around his friends
– fingers on his head
– no legs or feet
– always trying to sell you pasta
He’s not your man. He’s the hamburger helper glove
Oh my god you don’t need makeup!
~ people who have obviously never seen me without makeup