[phone rings]
Mum: your grandad isn’t well. I’m afraid he’s on his deathbed
Me: well tell him to get in a different bed then
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*stops abruptly at red light*
*instinctively reaches out arm to protect food in passenger seat*
My neighbor is power washing his driveway for the third day in a row so to make him stop I’m sending over a marriage counselor.
imagine giving a baby gold then watching a guy whose present is a drum solo and realizing how badly you overshot it
“If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh? If you-“
*interrupting* haha, he said prick
I’m not afraid to run into an ex here. Her tweets would be all lame like ‘my dog is cute’ and mine would be all cool like ‘I love you Susan’
My childhood music teacher posted on FB that she’d become a grandmother. I excitedly wrote “You were pregnant with your daughter when I was in Kindergarten now she’s a mom & I even remember you named her Beth Ann I loved Washington School!” & now I know why people avoid FB.
Widow: I remember how he always drank eight glasses of water a day
Guy at crematorium across town: WHY ISN’T THIS GUY BURNING
On average people watch 8 Spider-Man movies a year in their sleep
[rollercoaster]
HER: weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
ME [selfish]: iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii
Do not steal food from the science building!
if you shouldn’t go food shopping when you’re hungry then you should definitely not go clothes shopping when you’re naked. trust me on this.
I told my husband that one of the kids isn’t his. He’s not mine either. He just wandered in one day and never went home.
when bread gets all hard we throw it away but when it’s toast we’re like yay breakfast
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
I think it’s fun that witches chose brooms to fly on, but if I were them, I’d fly on a rifle. This way when you land you have a rifle.
*twirls fork through hair*
So, is it is really murder if you stab them when they stand between you and your cake?
I miss the days when people used to be less nostalgic.
Got electrocuted while fixing the doorbell, and now I can hear my girlfriend’s thoughts. She’s thinking she should have called an electrician.
“To boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What?”
“I said boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What happened to the to?”
“It split.”
Her: [eating lettuce for dinner] so yeah, with those 3 small changes, I lost 4% body fat.
Me: [eating a beer for dinner] fight me
One of my greatest joys in life is when Jeff calls the vet to make an appointment and they ask for his name, and he says, Jeff. Then, they ask for our cat’s name, and I watch him gather his strength before he tells them, Baby Jeff.
7: We should probably sell our pets before they get old and die.
I guess I know which of my kids is NOT getting power of attorney.
Deep thought: When turkey police draw chalk outlines around the body do they notice how much it looks like a human hand?
You guys know that there are things higher than kites, right?
NURSE: She’s in a coma. She’s been on hungerstrike
[boyfriend walks in with just enough chips for himself]
PATIENT: *Opens one eye*
Potatoes are used to make vodka. Also, potatoes are technically vegetables. The point I’m trying to make is, you do a juice cleanse your way, and I’ll do one my way.
On the internet it’s super easy to take credit for stuff you had nothing to do with. That’s why I invented it.
“I want to brew beer with my feet but be an archeologist with my hands,” a friend’s 4 y.o. declares. My own career arc was less defined.
*bugs bunny*
bunny: stop bothering me