BOSS: I hate “yes men.”
ME: Yeah. Me too.
BOSS: I like employees who speak their mind.
ME: Yeah. They’re the best.
BOSS: You get me.
ME: Yep
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If you love someone, set them free.
When they come back, because they will, make sure you are extremely happy with someone better looking.
PRIEST: Is there any reason these two shouldn’t be wed?
ME: *from the back* SHE HOLDS ONTO CHECKS FOR MONTHS & THEN CASHES THEM UNEXPECTEDLY
Playing dead in the supermarket to avoid having a conversation with someone you know attracts more attention than I anticipated…go figure.
Driving mom somewhere: 45 min monolog on health troubles of people I never met
Driving dad somewhere: 43 min of silence; 2 min on gas prices
happy valentine’s day to me
If you only see two signs about a raccoon room today, make it these two.
God: sends you to hell for aborting your ‘child’.
God: killed his only son.
And that, ladies & gentlemen, is religion in a nutshell.
Define “no more Twitter or I will leave you.”
I brought a load of laundry into the living room to fold, and my husband said, “You do this every day. I’m onto you. You just want to take a break.” So, anyway, in lieu of flowers please make a donation to the charity of your choice.
snow white’s glass casket was the original snow globe and if you think the dwarves didn’t fill it up with glitter and shake her around in there when they got sad, you’re a fool
Me (getting choked): who called it getting new tires
Guy (who is choking me): how are you breathing
Me (dying): and not a retirement plan
All your most annoying Facebook friends have shared this with the caption “wow, really makes you think.
I touched a sticky one dollar bill and now I have to chop my hand off.
The children seemed disappointed when I told them the best part about being an adult is going to bed early.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i always wear cargo shorts
professor x: that’s stup- *coughcough* sry my throats dry
me: oh here have a gatorade
professor x: thanks man
Them: you shouldn’t drink so much caffeine it’s bad for you
Me: I shouldn’t have to work this much to afford my rent either but here we are
I would never cheat in a relationship
because that would require two people finding me attractive.
I hate it when restraining orders get in the way of meaningful relationships.
Well played future wife. You win this round
Role playing in the bedroom was fun until my wife gave me a speeding ticket.
If a Stork is responsible for bringing babies, what bird prevents them?
A Swallow.
Garlic and bread is the only marriage I truly have faith in.
My dog loves going for hikes but I carry him for most of it because his feet get cold so I guess technically he likes being carried around in a winter forest setting.
When you look up from your phone only to realize that the woman at the grocery store you’ve been following is not your wife.
[job interview]
How would you improve our business?
“Dude, I’d bankrupt you in a week. I’m just catchin Pokemon in your office.”
Goth gf: this isnt working out. I think we should see other people
Golden Retriever bf: *started running in circles as soon as he heard the word Out*
No, Clickbait writer, here are 20 household items YOU’VE been using wrong
me when my friends ask me to look after their kids
Does anyone know where I can hire a pirate ship, a sturdy crew and a young boy who can read haunted treasure maps? The reason? It’s… for a podcast I’m doing.
Got banned from another museum for trying to jump into the paintings.
When accused by a woman a man’s first instinct is to deny. We’re not lying, we’re just buying time to remember what you’re talking about…