Eye of the Tiger came on the radio and I got so excited the macaroni salad I was making is all over the walls and the cat has a black eye.
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Twitter is an abusement park.
How am I gonna to break it to my wife that I’m leaving her for Erica749273674863485
My 11 yo noticed my receding hairline and thought it was hilarious. Until I explained how heredity works.
[commercial]
Narrator: These are real people and not actors-Actor watching the commercial: *throws lamp at TV* WE’RE PEOPLE TOO!
*takes long drag off cigarette*
No one digs a well at the top of a hill, so what the hell were Jack and Jill doing up there?
DAD: i’m sorry but your mother and i would like you to stay away for awhile
ME: i understand. who knows what could happen with this virus
DAD: what virus
[During Sex]
“Hurry up, this isn’t really my house.”
“You know your addiction is bad when you lie and say you’re at the gym when really you’re out shopping” is the title of my autobiography.
Drive me up the wall, so I know you’re 4 wheel
When my 5’8” husband passes a super tall person he’ll stealthily go back-to-back with them and whisper “who’s taller?”
*tumbles down basement stairs, laundry flying everywhere*
Me: *whispers through pain* parkour…
The water out of the bottle I stuffed into the fridge without a lid last night tasted like lettuce, and now I just have so many questions, like first of all, who bought lettuce?
imagining an 18 year old X Æ A-12 trying to think of an online password but just using his name
Sam Neill and Jeff Goldblum are perfect
Me: You guys wanna play house?
Them: Sure
Me, throwing the nearest kid on a gurney: We are gonna need a crash cart in here stat! WE ARE LOSING HIM! And you said you thought it was lupus.
Every dog, in a previous life, has been murdered by a shoe.
Listen, I hate you…
I’m just not… IN hate with you.
*on toxicology phone consult in middle of the night*
doctor: ok thanks for all your help
me: no problem, have a good one
doctor: love you bye
me:
doctor:
me:
doctor: i’m married
Can you imagine being cryogenically frozen and waking up 100 years later? Your hairstyle would be so outdated, how embarrassing.
Can’t wait for the day off from work so I can sit on the couch at home and stare at the TV screen while thinking about work.
Wanted:
Someone to chew my food and feed me like a baby bird. No weirdos.
I appreciate it when someone tells me to just “get over it” when I’m depressed. It gives me a chance to exercise my grave digging skills.
BREAKING: FBI discovers that Hillary’s 30,000 deleted emails were all Facebook notifications from Biden tagging her on cat videos.
Wife: Did you pick up the book I asked you to get?
Me: Yes
Wife: Where did you go?
Me: Narnes & Boble
Wife: Did you say Barnes & Noble?
Me: Maybe
I feel bad for women who say finding true love is the best experience in life. They’ve obviously never found their bra size on clearance.
Veteran Parent Tip:
Buying a bullhorn to loudly announce from your car, “Your Uber driver has arrived!” gives you a 73% greater chance of your teens no longer making you wait when picking them up from a friend’s house
What’s it like to have 5 kids? Imagine the noise at a Jamba Juice and none of the blenders have lids.
Increasing the amount of high fives I give my boss each day until he quits his job
Some Very British Problems with that tedious consequence of moving house: unpacking.