*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *puts lipstick on the dog and watches Sleepless in Seattle*
Wife – “….””
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INTERVIEWER: What do you see as your biggest weakness?
ME:
INTERVIEWER:
ME:
MY MOTHER: He’s not good at speaking up for himself
My neighbor cut their tree down and now my house looks bald.
I’ve been playing GTA for an hour and I still can’t find the “exchange insurance information” button.
I wrote a book. It’s a murder mystery. You’re in it but only for the first couple of chapters.
[family get together]
mom: has anyone seen grandmas dentures?
me with 64 teeth: ramma losht hur wat now?
Things to know before you date me:
1. I party
2. The doctor forgot to cut my umbilical cord so my mom has to come
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
[at work]
me in my 20’s: I DONT NEED LUNCH I HAVE MOTIVATION AND AMBITION TO ENERGIZE ME
me now: listen, if i don’t eat lunch at this exact second i will actually die
Saw a dog mark every single mailbox in sight but his own. Thought of you.
She’s willing to deal with excruciating physical pain to get an hour alone with 90s hip hop blaring in her ears.
-my husband accurately explaining my running habits to our kids.
Keanu Reeves stuck motionless on a horse forever because every time it starts to move he goes “whoa”.
Gotta get to bed early-tomorrow I’m bringing down the recycling
72 Hour Deodorant is just another way to say “I haven’t bathed in 3 days”.
The Spy Who Loved Me But Wasn’t, Like, IN Love With Me #RejectedBondTitles
love can touch us one time and last for a lifetime
*herpes
I’m dying louder than usual today.
if your name is Christy and you’re fighting a custody battle in Orlando. fire your lawyer bc I found your whole case file at the bar last night.
what kind of monster rides a horse through a desert and doesn’t have the decency to give the horse a name
Me: can I get a breakfast burrito
Waiter: no breakfast after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with eggs
Waiter: no eggs after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with chicken
Waiter: sur—
Me: —pre born
Me: Should I be concerned that this tomato was genetically modified?
Tomato: No.
“You’d look better without make-up” You’ve never seen me without make-up, you have no way to know if that is true, I am putting your cast iron pan in the dishwasher
[300 ferrets arrive at funfair]
“You sure about this?”
“I swear to fucken God, dude said there’s a 250ft ferrets wheel here somewhere.”
Would bet there’s a math equation that can tell how many kids a person has by measuring the amount of Cheerios on the floor of their car …
America sucks rn. I’m moving to the USA!
Ladies, if you don’t want to answer a question from a guy, say, “I already TOLD you. You never listen.”
We have no idea if you’re lying.
Hate when stores ban free plastic bags, they’re great for picking up dog poop. Guess I’ll find a new hobby to spend my time. Maybe get a dog
There should be a “Life of Pi” TV show, where they throw a different D-list celebrity in a boat with a tiger every week.
It only looks like my kids are having popsicles for breakfast, Brenda, those are clearly frozen smoothies
likes 853 pics in your media, don’t make this awkward boo.
My dogs are so stupid. They keep wanting outside even though they know it’s freezing out and they want right back in in 5 minutes.
*gives them a cookie when they come in*
My dogs are so stupid.