“We need to put pressure on the wound!”
[to wound] We’ve been together 6 months now, I think we should move in together”
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *strips naked and does running man*
Wife – “….”
You Might Also Like
Walk into a pawn shop with a ponytail & a handlebar mustache & they treat you like Ray Liotta walking thru that restaurant in Goodfellas
Pasta is very hard to eat when you’re a dog. I know this now.
“Is your refrigerator running?”
“Hasn’t decided yet,” I say, winking at my refrigerator & hanging up. A “FRIDGE 2016” banner hangs above him
ME: we are disgraced! we must commit sudoku
OTHER SAMURAI: *disemboweling himself* it’s called seppuku
ME: *sharpening pencil* you do you buddy
See that sad girl up on the hill with tears ?
That’s not me..I’m the one over there running away from a goose with a corn dog in my hand.
doctor: i’ve got good news and bad news
me: what’s the bad news?
doctor: you lost your short term memory
me: and what’s the bad news?
I think Jesus would have killed it at water skiing
Me: I don’t feel like driving home.
5: I’ll drive.
Me: You’re not old enough yet.
5: and my feet won’t reach the pedals.
Me: And that.
ME [trying to convince her I care] I’m so angry the big bed cushions haven’t arrived
WIFE: Throw pillows
M: I’m that angry Karen, I might do