*phone rings*
Yoda: Yoda
Luke: WTF VADER’S MY DAD?
Y: Uh
L: And you knew & told me to kill him?
Y:
L:
Y: Going thru a tunnel I am
*hangs up*
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[polygraph test]
Tester: Have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Committed, or been caught?
Tester: …
Me: That was just a joke. Many people consider me quite witty.
*needle goes crazy*
The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it’s not in my way.
*breaking up with BF
I’ll never forget you David.
‘My name is Jason’
Goodbye John.
The bear sleeping bag is completely awesome.
YouTube suggestion: [Inspirational video] I wake up at 3 am
Me [at midnight]: no thank you! I don’t want that kind of negativity
When I get cold in a movie theater, I pull a CVS receipt out of my purse and use it as a blanket.
Well Avril, given that you were describing two completely different situations at the beginning and the end of the song, in retrospect yes I do believe you could have made it more obvious
I bet that in China they tattoo themselves with stupid shit in English.
When people say “May I ask who’s calling?” I like to say “Sure, go ahead.”
Simply Red’s piano player just couldn’t be arsed
Computer backup systems are expensive so I include “Death To America” in my email signature & the NSA backs up everything I’ve ever written.
I only eat free range chicken because I only eat food that was given the illusion of freedom before it was murdered
I was gonna complain about THE GODDAMN JACKHAMMERING THAT WOKE ME UP THIS AM
but it’s noon.
If I was a dental hygienist I’d be like “Now I’m gonna rip up your gums with a metal hook and then blame you for not flossing enough, sorry”
Me, at the arby’s drive-thru: i didn’t hear you, can you repeat that?
arby’s cashier: {yelling} can you turn your police siren off?!
“sup shorty” – a giraffe, probably
Oh, you have ‘haterz.’
Congratulations. I have lovers. And the ability to spell.
One of my kids opened a new bottle of salad dressing and immediately lost the lid. The next day another child of mine opened a new bottle of dressing, same brand and also immediately lost the lid. It’s not life or death but it is a fair example of why I rub my temples a lot.
[Pompeii 79 AD]
me: wow can’t believe I’m finally a homeowner. Nothing could ruin this day.
Paul Walker *dies driving*
Adam Driver *on sidewalk* oh no
me: *getting murdered*
wait.. did you wash your hands?
Tsunamis are caused by dolphins breakdancing to celebrate passing another IQ test.
push came to shove, and that’s when he realized that he was in a mosh pit
May have had one breakfast too many
I never feel more betrayed than when my hair won’t cooperate because it’s too clean
On the off chance you choose to start a rumor about me, please make it extra hot so I can live vicariously, thanks
Using my new fishing technique I have taunted all the fish in the pond that if they weren’t stupid dumb cowards they would come on land and fight me. Now, we wait.
Few things create body issues like a hotel pool towel
“And why do you want to work at the aquarium?”
* imagines me with a mermaid tail swimming in the giant tank after hours*
I like fish
A fun thing about having a sandbox outside your house is that you have one inside too.