@MatCro

[phone sex]

GF: Tell me you want me

ME: I want you badly

GF: How badly?

ME: I want you [checking thesaurus in a panic] haphazardly

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@LoveNLunchmeat

If you don’t count the six chocolate chip cookies or the two dead bodies, my diet’s going pretty well today.

@BoogTweets

[being stopped by the cops]

Me: if they ask about a missing dolphin just play it cool

My new best friend: *clicky noises*

Me: okay okay *i toss him a fish to keep him quiet*

@SooInnocentDad

My son and his friends are great … They always spray the house with air freshener before I get home

@ShalyahEvans

Henry VIII would be glad to know that in a post-Game Of Thrones world he actually seems pretty chill

@Lisa_Laughs_

You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.

@pplwtching

Always remember to look for the end of the extension cord you left in the yard before taking a piss.

@PleaseBeGneiss

[restaurant]

RACCOON (in trench coat): one egg

WAITER: one egg? *suspicious* you’re not from around here, are you?

RACCOON: t-two eggs?

WAITER: ah yes, that’s a normal quantity of eggs

RACCOON: *excitedly* five eggs!

WAITER: *eyes narrow*

@tone765

America: Japanese ads are extremely weird

Also America: *airs commercials about toilet paper obsessed bears that are constantly shitting*

@Mardigroan

Why call it a fake stone you use to hide your spare house key outside rather than a sham rock?

@delusions_of

Only resort to violence when necessary like when the grocery store won’t accept your coupon.