[phone w/ son while in bank thats being robbed]
in case this goes bad, go to google on the iPad and delete “can owls fly” before mom sees it
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Chuck Norris once gave an uppercut to a horse!
Now we have Giraffes.
me: grandma u cant believe every article on facebook
also me:[reads thread on twitter] ok avril lavigne has definitely been dead since 2003
“All I want is one nice photo”
My kids:
I stood here for an hour then I gave up and went home.
Meow
My 5-year-old just asked if we could have Hotdog Bell for dinner.
There is no Hotdog Bell here.
I’m not sure if there’s a Hotdog Bell at all.
Him: So tell me something about yourself.
Me: If you spell it backwards it’s flesruoy.
Him: What?
Me: If you add the letter p to it you can spell profusely.
The dress code for my wedding should have been red flags.
Just watched a mosquito suck my blood then throw up.
Imagine being the first Robert called Bobby, they were probably like, ‘wtf did you just call me?’
Weird; People in my office have started naming the food in the company fridge. Today I ate a tuna sandwich named Kevin.
law professor: you’re currently failing your ethics class
me: *slides a $20 across the desk* how about now
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance”
-Alcohol
If you think you’re having a bad day, the lady who took my order in the drive-thru asked me if my order was to go.
People think doing meth makes you lose weight but actually it’s the climbing buildings and ripping out the plumbing
Me as a kid: I’m going out in the woods. I’ll be back in 8 hours
My parents: Cool
My kid now: I’m going to a public park with my friend. I’ll be back in an hour, and will have my phone with me
Me: I don’t know – that sounds dangerous.
* flirting with disaster
disaster: Gross
Trump University is getting a bad rap. My nephew went there and he can poop in a toilet AND say the N-word.
Me, thinking about what i’d do if 10 birds attacked me all at once: sorry i zoned out there for a second what’d u say
friend: i said TWENTY BIRDS ARE ON THEIR WAY TO ATTACK YOU
me: OH NO!
I’d give my left arm to be able to leave work and go kayaking.
Albeit it in very slow counterclockwise circles.
officer: give me your name
me: then what am I going to use?
Koala bears can sleep up to 20 hours a day, which means they’re only a few hours short of having a perfect day.
[harry potter at work]
Colleague: when you were in school you killed a giant snake thing, right?
Harry: a basilisk, yes
Colleague: can’t even edit a google doc though, yikes *sips coffee*
A lady once dmed and asked if we had internet in Brazil. I think about it a lot
Be carefully which minty aromatic
plants you accidentally step on.Thyme wounds all heels.
Who will tell him he’s not a dog !
So, when does this adulthood thing start then?
I sniffed my work shirt to see if it was too dirty. Unfortunately I work at a chloroform factory and woke up 6 hours late for my shift
[At auto store]
Employee: How can we get you to walk out of here with 4 tires?
“Sir, you are wildly overestimating my strength.”