[Phone with Mom]
“Did you just friend request me?”
I’m on fb now
“I’m not adding you”
Fine do your own laundry then
*accepts friend request*
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No one is in denial more than a mom who brings a book to the pool
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
Friend: My car is making a weird noise
Me: Have you tried essential oils?
seems the leprechauns have supply chain issues just like everybody else
I’d pay good monkey to see that!
You mean, good money?
*squints*
You hard of hearing or something?
Imagine if spiders screamed at us when we found them.
If I was on the Titanic I would have told the captain “Do not hit that iceberg,” saving millions in the process
I don’t believe in all your ghosts, crystals and astrology hocus-pocus unless I have a shot at you. In which case, I’m a Gemini and, my god, your aura is transcendent.
I feel bad for married ghosts. My parents have been together for decades, and they bicker all the time. Imagine how much a couple would fight after a few centuries. You just want to relax but your spouse is still mad about something you said during the Civil War.
Kids today: Find out school is cancelled via text
Me: Had to wake up at 5 a.m. and watch the bottom of the tv screen like the NFL Draft
More Origins
Ant Man: bit by a radioactive ant
Daredevil: bit a radioactive devil (on a dare)
Captain America: bit by a radioactive america
gently explaining to Cathy that in Canada you don’t open google maps and type “Tim Hortons” you just drive 3 minutes in literally any direction
Ok, so we’ve already made them resistant to reason and with an absolute disregard for their own safety. But what if we, and now hear me out, also made them incredibly fast?
—God, creating toddlers
Me: *eating chips in bed*
Husband: I thought you said no eating in the bed.
Me: We live in a different world now.
Husband: So, I can-
Me: *interrupts* No.
If you lick me, I taste like vodka.
Okay, I taste like a potato, but still…
idk what this dog had been going through but same
That face-melting Nazi guy in ‘Raiders of the Lost Ark’ but it’s just my makeup the second I step outside in the summer.
got my mind on my money and my money
is nowhere to be found.
[Funeral]
He died doing what he loved; throwing rocks at bears and saying “it’s fine, they’re way more scared of us than we are of them”
[first date]
-so how do you feel about octopus?
Her: I like em
-Whew! [lets other six arms fall out of shirt]
Someone’s just thrown a bottle of Omega 3 tablets at me. I only received super fish oil injuries, but still.
talking to animals doesn’t make you crazy, hearing them talk back does
I can’t stand fake people.
Unless you’re with me and we are faking that we are sober for a cop.
Then you need to be Oscar winning fake.
How to sex:
Boy: can I put my finger in your belly button
Girl: sure
Girl: that’s not my belly button
Boy: that’s not my finger
If you do happen to find the house giving out the drugs you should give me the address and I’ll most definitely report it to the proper authority people
It’s amazing how a simple act of kindness can change my bad mood into a suspicious bad mood.
Pretty rude of this cop to pull me over while I’m trying to change my pinned tweet
*stares into the abyss*
*abyss pretends it’s doing something on its phone*
Me: Maybe shouting “harder baby” during CPR training was not a great idea.
Security Guard: Keep walking. Stop talking.
I’m gonna make a alternate account so I can catfish myself. I know what I like so I may fall for it