@Donnie_Fairburn

[Phone with Mom]
“Did you just friend request me?”
I’m on fb now
“I’m not adding you”
Fine do your own laundry then
*accepts friend request*

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@KalvinMacleod

[getting hypnotized]
ME: *clucks like a chicken*
HYPNOTIST: I haven’t started yet

@mollzbenn

I told mom that my electric bill was only $22 last month and she said “Seems right for someone who sits in the dark and drinks alone every night.” Would someone please tell her to stop owning me, I’m her daughter for God’s sake.

@BigJDubz

One time I saw this guy on his knees in a bar begging his girlfriend for forgiveness. No idea what he’d done. Anyway, I shouted “OMG, HE’S PROPOSING” and everything went quiet as we all awaited her response. Really awkward

@GreenishDuck

This is your brain.

*holds up a brain*

And this is your brain on drugs.

*holds up a brain wearing a weird hat and a scarf*

@JustDontBugMe

My refrigerator has an excessive amount of leftovers for someone that eats as much as I do.

@shutupaida

i’ve always wanted to be a whistleblower but unfortunately i don’t know anything

@AaronFullerton

Don’t think too hard about why Santa would name a reindeer “Vixen.”

@AmishPornStar1

When someone patiently listens to you for an hour without judgment…

$85

When your best friend listens to you for 10 minutes and tells you you’re being an idiot…

Priceless.