[Phone with Mom]
“Did you just friend request me?”
I’m on fb now
“I’m not adding you”
Fine do your own laundry then
*accepts friend request*

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[getting hypnotized]
ME: *clucks like a chicken*
HYPNOTIST: I haven’t started yet


I told mom that my electric bill was only $22 last month and she said “Seems right for someone who sits in the dark and drinks alone every night.” Would someone please tell her to stop owning me, I’m her daughter for God’s sake.


One time I saw this guy on his knees in a bar begging his girlfriend for forgiveness. No idea what he’d done. Anyway, I shouted “OMG, HE’S PROPOSING” and everything went quiet as we all awaited her response. Really awkward


This is your brain.

*holds up a brain*

And this is your brain on drugs.

*holds up a brain wearing a weird hat and a scarf*


My refrigerator has an excessive amount of leftovers for someone that eats as much as I do.


i’ve always wanted to be a whistleblower but unfortunately i don’t know anything


Don’t think too hard about why Santa would name a reindeer “Vixen.”


When someone patiently listens to you for an hour without judgment…


When your best friend listens to you for 10 minutes and tells you you’re being an idiot…