[Phone]
Boss: You haven’t been in work all week!Me: I’ve told you, I always take this week off for religious reasons
Boss *gritted teeth* and I’ve told you, “sharks” is not a religion
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Everything started to go south when I realized I didn’t know how to read a map.
At least, I think it went south.
I’m a lot like a wild Pokémon in the bedroom. I only know four moves and I come out of nowhere.
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia
The first workout after vacation week reminds you of how many cheeseburgers you had while on vacation
Why didn’t any of Spider-man’s enemies attack him with an enormous broom.
[Me chasing 12 greyhounds round a race track]
YOU’LL GET TIRED EVENTUALLY. THEN I WILL PET YOU!
We’re all searching for that magical connection & mine came in the form of a chicken wing.
I was just thinking “oh shoot I forgot something” and it came out as “oh fruit”
“Face my fears?” Lol what am I, brave?
My boss asked if I had Facebook and I said sure and gave up the link. Then she asked about twitter. After an awkward silence I said, huh?
Missing someone and wanna meet them? Just wear the worst clothes you own and go to the supermarket. They’ll run into you.
Get your ski mask. We’re pulling off a popsicle factory heist. I got the strawberry shortcakes. Leave no creamsicle behind.
Home buyer: I want to live close to nature!
*wildlife shows up*
Home buyer: Not like that.
Her: We had our friend for dinner.
Him: It sounds wrong when you say it like that.
Her: Sorry. We ate our friend for dinner.
“of course i’ve had a girlfriend before you guys. i know what i’m doing!!” *types “what do girlfriends eat” into google*
me: hit me, daddy
poker dealer: don’t call me that
The last time I had sex, there was a dinosaur in the cave with us.
Him: I’m an animal person
Me: *nervous* So like, a shapeshifter?
don’t ask me explain this but a golden retriever is like the 1990s in dog form
Accidentally said “No kidding,” instead of “No problem” after someone thanked me for helping them today, if anyone knows of a nice bridge I can leap from.
My most impressive dance move is carrying a watermelon.
As the rain pelts down on the window I am simultaneously happy I don’t have to go water the garden and pissed because I just washed the car.
Memoirs of a Fish Stick
When someone buys a new car I like to get them a ziploc bag full of gas as like a car warming present.
Find someone who looks at you,
I think that’s a pretty good start.
On my flight today I woke up from a nap & an attendant was walking down the aisle holding a pug, saying “we found this pug. Whose pug is this??” And for 3 hours we all just took turns holding the mystery pug until a verrrry stoned man in the last row woke up & was like “Roscoe?!”
“Parkour!”- What I yell after jumping up onto a chair to get away from a scary little mouse.
KID:I drew you a picture!
ME:What’s this?
KID:Our house.
ME:What’s the orange stuff?
KID:Fire.
ME:Why’s the house on fire?
KID:I wanna PS4.
ME BEFORE HAVING TEENS: I like a good, crunchy apple
ME AFTER HAVING TEENS: Apples totally slap. Much cronch.
If I wanted to insult a humpback whale I’d call it a ‘quasimofo’ then I would high five myself and probably drown idk I haven’t thought this through.