[phonecall w criminal]
FBI Agent: keep him on the line for 2 more minutes
me: ok.. *twirling phone cord* no you hang up. haha no you hang up

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Once, when I was drunk, I threw a fan out of my bedroom window because it wouldn’t turn on.

Guess I should of plugged it in first to see why.


Me: first, I wish for you to not judge me

Genie: okay

Me: second, I wish Disney would make another Tarzan sequel

Genie: k…

Me: third, I wish we were at McDonald’s


Me: we’ll have 2 Tarzan Banana McFlurrys please 🙂

Genie: *trying so hard to not look pissed*


If you’re thinking of getting a hairless cat, go the extra mile and get a catless cat.


Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?


My father claims there’s nothing like being independent and yet he hasn’t washed a dish since 1975.


friend: you ever need anything lemme know.

me: okay thanks

friend: you need a potato?

me: uh

friend: i have three potatoes


*whips out a pen for a sword fight*
“ok timeout. nope, this doesn’t feel mightier at all.”


The only thing left for CNN to do is drop Wolf Blitzer in the Indian Ocean and see how long it takes to find him.


did everyone just forget about the part of 2016 when literal clowns would chase people with knives in public and nobody really did anything


Define “toned.”

-Me to the Creators of all Dating Apps