[phonecall w criminal]
FBI Agent: keep him on the line for 2 more minutes
me: ok.. *twirling phone cord* no you hang up. haha no you hang up
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[sexy librarian removes glasses] nice [removes hair] what [takes off wooden arm] NO [rolls glass eye across counter] um, just this book ok
It’s so awkward when a bird arrives back at its nest and the worms in its mouth realise that wasn’t just a free aerial tour of the city.
In my town we have little crime and lots of cops which makes me mad because all the good donuts are gone early in the morning.
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: nice!
God: the humans are gonna love you.
Dog: why?
God: well you have a lot in common.
Dog: really? do they have updog too?
God: what’s updog?
Dog: nothing what’s up with you lol.
God: yep you’re just like them.
Dog: [tail wag].
“I just talk a lot when I’m nervous.”
-Narrator: In reality, she talked a lot, all the time.
To the woman who just honked at me to leave this parking spot, I suddenly have dozens of urgent emails to respond to.
Me: Nothing is set in stone.
Gargoyle: Wow I’m like right here.
Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.
that’s really how it is
how to lose 20lb
step 1: gain 40lb
uh-oh. Bad news for Trump
*2:47 am. i roll over, nudge my wife awake & whisper*
i’m thinking of asking my buddies if i can call them my apostles
Indian Brothers & Sisters: You know all those awful things Columbus did to the Native Americans? Just remember…HE WAS LOOKING FOR US
It’s October which means it’s basically Halloween which means Thanksgiving is right around the corner which means it’s pretty much Christmas so Happy New Year everyone.
The teenage boy cashier just told my wife that her tampon coupon is expired…and all of Target went silent.
Why aren’t there more Christmas songs about revenge?
“My wife’s just made me breakfast using the hot bread cooky thing.”
“Toaster?”
“Ladies and gentlemen, to my wife!”
“Get out”.
For newbies
DOM – means Dominos
SUB – means subwayalways here to help! All day 👍
Wolf: Woof!
Me: Omg Pokémon do exist.
Sorry I said “it’s probably burning him” as your baby cried during his christening.
Christina Aguilera: *uses elaborate hand gestures while singing*
Me: *uses same gestures while eating a calzone*
My toxic trait is opening a message, then replying 10 years later when you’ve forgotten who I am
“Mom, I hate the word, ‘Hemorrhoid’. It’s like a weird planet. Hi,I’m Hemorroidian! Or oh no! A hemorrhoid is headed 4 Earth!” -my 12yr old
Dad: relax kids, no monkey business in a nice restaurant
[table over]
Monkey 1: *slams briefcase shut, stands up*
Monkey 2: not worth it man
When you and your ex had plans to get married and now you both have each other blocked on everything
(me, as a caveman, inventing religion):
what if there’s a giant sky man who will be like super pissed if you don’t give me money
The worst thing about that mime stealing my woman was when he silently laughed at me
HOW TO SURVIVE A BEAR ATTACK:
STEP 1: buy a recliner
STEP 2: buy some beer
STEP 3: stay home and watch tv instead of going into the woods