@malt_skull

[phonecall w criminal]
FBI Agent: keep him on the line for 2 more minutes
me: ok.. *twirling phone cord* no you hang up. haha no you hang up

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@skedaddle74

Once, when I was drunk, I threw a fan out of my bedroom window because it wouldn’t turn on.

Guess I should of plugged it in first to see why.

@Megatronic13

Me: first, I wish for you to not judge me

Genie: okay

Me: second, I wish Disney would make another Tarzan sequel

Genie: k…

Me: third, I wish we were at McDonald’s

[McDonald’s]

Me: we’ll have 2 Tarzan Banana McFlurrys please 🙂

Genie: *trying so hard to not look pissed*

@bazecraze

If you’re thinking of getting a hairless cat, go the extra mile and get a catless cat.

@slyoung5

Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?

@offbeatoliv

My father claims there’s nothing like being independent and yet he hasn’t washed a dish since 1975.

@parilani

friend: you ever need anything lemme know.

me: okay thanks

friend: you need a potato?

me: uh

friend: i have three potatoes

@MisterD78UK

*whips out a pen for a sword fight*
“ok timeout. nope, this doesn’t feel mightier at all.”

@WilliamAder

The only thing left for CNN to do is drop Wolf Blitzer in the Indian Ocean and see how long it takes to find him.

@imchip

did everyone just forget about the part of 2016 when literal clowns would chase people with knives in public and nobody really did anything

@rn_murse

Define “toned.”

-Me to the Creators of all Dating Apps