[phone]
H: What’s for dinner?
M: I’m having vodka. As for you, I have no idea.
H: Should I stop and get something?
M: Yes, more vodka.
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We have family pictures in 10 days. If everyone starts getting ready now we can still be late.
My girlfriend once made me change because I was wearing green pants with a blue shirt. “You look like the earth,” she said.
Me: *practicing selfie poses in the gym mirror*
Trainer: Ma’am, are you having a stroke?
The scene where Indiana Jones swaps the bags and runs from a boulder but it’s me trying to eat a cookie without my kid seeing me
[gets pulled over]
cop: “sir, do you know how fast you were going?”
[i’ve swapped places with the dog]
me: “answer the man”
It tastes nothing like bourbon btw
3 Best Uses for Oven Timers:
1. Remind you of beer in the freezer
2. Pizza rolls
3. Notify guests when their time’s up & they should leave
My kids just locked themselves in my bedroom to “have a party,” which involves wearing my clothes and eating goldfish crackers in secret. I’m not mad, just offended that I wasn’t invited.
[Super Bowl Halftime performance]
Rhianna: 🎶 Know you wanna see me nakey, nakey, naked 🎶
7YO: Why would he want to see her naked body?
9YO: Maybe he’s a doctor
I’m “misinterprets hand gesture and accidentally high fives your fist” white.
my lawyer wants me to turn myself into the police but I keep telling him impersonating a cop is what got me into trouble in the first place
I love the new Weight Watchers program. You can eat anything you want as long as you never join
robber: me n Lenny will handle this job tonight, obviously you’re gonna be lookout again…sorry Joe
giraffe: this is bullshit Steve
A friend of my wife’s who lives in maine put their child in this preschool where the kids help make lunch and then before their naps they get their feet soaked in warm water and wtf do I have to do to get into this preschool?
When I think about you, I touch myself.
In the face.
With my fist.
ROOMMATE: While I’m away, can you get some mice to feed my pet snake?
ME: Sure[later]
ME [to mice] Come on fellas, pls just cook something
Can some of you who who post pictures of your muscles come over Saturday and help me move?
[wedding day of the girl that got away]
any reason why these two shouldn’t be married, speak now or forev[sound of a dirt bike approaching]
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s
[several hours later]
time management.
I am so lucky that I can’t tell the difference between a heartfelt compliment and sarcastic disdain. Life is much easier when you’re dumb
Business plan :
1. hold sign that says “free hugs”2. Whisper during the hug, “it’s $50 to let go”
Someone needs to invent an alarm clock that, if you hit snooze more than three times, will call in sick for you.
I wish they’d stop turning movies into musicals and make them ice shows instead.
I’d pay good money to see “The Godfather on Ice.”
*3:27 am. batman rubs his eyes as he slowly walks up & switches off the giant spotlight that’s creating the bat signal in the sky. he turns to the crowd*
what do you guys want now?
I feel sorry for the Phillip whose head inspired the screwdriver.
Growing a beard is the closest I’ve come to caring for an animal.
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
When I have more than $20 in my account at the end of the month I have to wonder what bill I forgot to pay.
My husband told me I cheated on him in his dream.
The best response was not “Was he hot?”
I know this now.
Rookie mistake: taking your gummies after you brush your teefs.