[phone]
H: What’s for dinner?
M: I’m having vodka. As for you, I have no idea.
H: Should I stop and get something?
M: Yes, more vodka.
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me: *tries to befriend another human being*
another human being: oh, no thank you
Was heating holiday leftovers and I accidentally dropped the plate. As we both stared at the carrots all over the floor my daughter announced “I guess the universe wants me to eat less vegetables.”
If anyone deserves an Oscar, it’s me for nodding and pretending to understand the directions you’re explaining to me when I know I’m going to use Google Maps regardless
Your parents taught you to wash your hands after you pee. My parents taught me not to pee on my hands in the first place.
The class where i learned absolutly nothing and dont remember anything
real
I think tonight while my wife is asleep I’m going to pull on the satin ribbon she’s worn around her neck ever since the day I met her. What’s the worst that could happen. One lil tug
I’ve been trying to cancel a print job since November.
Please keep my boyfriend in your thoughts; we’ve entered the part of our relationship where friends who got together after us have started getting engaged.
[i rear-end a guy and he steps out with a baseball bat]
ME: i’m sor-
HIM: *tosses me a glove* wanna play ball until the tow truck arrives?
*throws roll of duck tape into a pond*
Go little guy, you’re free now.
This is one for those who have seen certain US TV commercials. 😂
The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did, she began running so I did, she screamed so I did. I never even saw what we were running from
Her: I like the man-horsey in this film. He’s hot.
Me: Centaur.
H: What?
M: Centaur
H: Is that his name?
M: I want a divorce.
“Platitude” is short for “platypus attitude”.
like Neil Degrasse Tyson, I’ll make you question everything (specifically why you started talking to me)
why do these women want to date pete davidson, a funny movie star, and not me, a guy who is whining
When you feel unsuccessful, keep in mind that there are professional Bigfoot hunters.
Every time someone tries to fight with me on Twitter a middle finger gets its wings.
When choosing a heart medicine, always pick the one that causes, “significantly less bleeding.”
Less bleeding is good for not being dead.
I get out of awkward conversations by pulling a balloon out, making a dog and just say I need to take it for a walk.
War vets with prosthetic limbs are running marathons and I’m busy trying to lasso the tv remote with my phone charger cord.
Wife: I just wanted our honeymoon to be special.
Me holding 2 Nintendo64 controllers: Me too, but you need to hurry and pick a character.
Marriage is for people who want their break ups to involve paperwork.
Can’t stop thinking about really disturbing things today, like what if they had called him Illinois Jones.
I don’t need to go to Christian Mingle to find God’s match for me because I already know it’s pizza
I think we can all agree if the ancient Egyptians had twitter there would be no pyramids.
Hot pies in your area want you to snatch them off the windowsill
[on payphone] Hello New York Times? In every box of tissues there’s a tiny man who feeds the next tissue through the openi— [CIA agents tackle me]
She’s willing to deal with excruciating physical pain to get an hour alone with 90s hip hop blaring in her ears.
-my husband accurately explaining my running habits to our kids.