@ArfMeasures

[phone]
Me: Oh wow I love your voice
Her: Thanks!
Me: And your accent is so cool, are you from the south?
Her: Good guess!
Me: Oh yeah I love it down there, the weather, the food!
Her: Me too! It’s the best!
Me: It really is
Her: Anyway what’s your emergency
Me: I’ve been stabbed

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@Shelts99

My wife wants me to make her scream in the bedroom.

The 32 lego pieces & 6 upturned plugs, I’ve strategically placed, should do the trick.

@good_fats

forrest gump (1994): this film gave me very unrealistic expectations of what my life would be like as a huge idiot. 2/10

@philmann

WITCH (using her broom for just sweeping): did we give up our dreams?
WIZARD (using his pointy hat as a piping bag for cupcake icing): yes

@AwwRobin666

What do you mean they lied? Pfft. You can’t lie on the internet.

@david8hughes

[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: cats climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: nope

@Imsohoppy

I have a particular set of skills, skills that allow me to open beer cans so no one in the house knows I’m drinking.

@Ygrene

Son: [excited] dad, I just signed up for a triathlon

Dad: [sighing, doesn’t look up from newspaper] well let me know when you sign up for a winathlon

@thegreatnanak

Cat: my owner is asleep. What if he is dead?
Cat 911: just walk on his face and find out.

@LlamaInaTux

[police lineup]

Cop: step forward and say ‘boing boing’

Suspect 1: boing boing

Suspect 2: boing boing

Desk lamp: boing boing

Wife of Pixar’s letter i: that’s the one. He killed my husband

@dafloydsta

WIFE: His obsession with Star Wars is out of hand
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *adjusting Yoda mask* Cloud us with your lies you have, Karen