@RitleySammich

Phones are getting smarter and thinner. People, not so much.

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@OINKimmaPIG

Why go out and be a 3rd wheel when you can stay home and be a unicycle?

@OctopusCavemann

You should only be allowed to name your kids the names of cars you can afford.

@

a:2:{i:0;a:5:{s:4:”user”;s:14:”Pundamentalism”;s:5:”image”;s:90:”http://a0.twimg.com/profile_images/3430342833/2313195883ea8b1008670c050efecd37_bigger.jpeg”;s:6:”id_str”;s:18:”347090235580092416″;s:7:”retweet”;s:3:”104″;s:5:”tweet”;s:128:”Older single ladies,
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@tdwyer618

“Dad, why did Jesus have to die on the cross?”

“He didn’t do his 1st grade homework.”

@Roxtalled

Opening a Twitter account is like opening a bag of money after you rob a bank. You’re happy until shit explodes in your face.

@Crunk_Jews

You can tell a lot about a person by what they’re willing to do during conjugal visits.

@batkaren

*lights dim in restaurant*
DATE: did it just become sexier in here?
ME: I CAN’T SEE MY MENU

@Westoff123

I’m going to buy a house near the St. Louis Airport and paint “Welcome to chicago” on my roof to confuse people who are about to land.

@k_lli

A guy was honking at a car ahead of him to speed up at 6AM so I followed him bc his job must be amazing if he’s that excited to get to work.

@ComedicBust

Robbing me is only a good idea if you’re running low on ketchup packets.