@RitleySammich

Phones are getting smarter and thinner. People, not so much.

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@ladybroseph

*sits*
This is nice.
*stands*
This is also pretty cool.
*lays down*
Oh okay this is my favorite.

@Kristen_Arnett

driving in the car and my girlfriend leaned over and said “where does an owl get dinner? pizza hoot” and then continued on with her business as if nothing had happened

@kimtopher22

Remember that decades long January? We didn’t know how good we had it.

@CandyEmpires

Google+ is starting to sound like a half-way house for people that aren’t phony enough for Facebook but aren’t edgy enough for Twitter.

@revenge_tanukis

It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.

@Whoizbad

Ya’ll a bunch of panicking morons for people who claim to want to die daily.

@WoodyLuvsCoffee

My neighbor put alarms in his yard designed to scare squirrels & rabbits but the alarms go off every 20 secs & it’s maddening. He thinks they’re a frequency humans can’t hear (he’s 90 & near deaf). I pulled the batteries & he can’t tell they’re off. Am I going to hell for this?

@karanbirtinna

Asking me which one of my tweets is my favorite is like asking an Indian dad which one of his children is his favorite. I don’t think any of them are good enough.

@PinkCamoTO

“Thanks for coming. We’ll let you know.”

*stands up, trips, headbutts interviewer*