Phones are getting smarter and thinner. People, not so much.

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Why go out and be a 3rd wheel when you can stay home and be a unicycle?


You should only be allowed to name your kids the names of cars you can afford.


a:2:{i:0;a:5:{s:4:”user”;s:14:”Pundamentalism”;s:5:”image”;s:90:”http://a0.twimg.com/profile_images/3430342833/2313195883ea8b1008670c050efecd37_bigger.jpeg”;s:6:”id_str”;s:18:”347090235580092416″;s:7:”retweet”;s:3:”104″;s:5:”tweet”;s:128:”Older single ladies,
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“Dad, why did Jesus have to die on the cross?”

“He didn’t do his 1st grade homework.”


Opening a Twitter account is like opening a bag of money after you rob a bank. You’re happy until shit explodes in your face.


You can tell a lot about a person by what they’re willing to do during conjugal visits.


*lights dim in restaurant*
DATE: did it just become sexier in here?


I’m going to buy a house near the St. Louis Airport and paint “Welcome to chicago” on my roof to confuse people who are about to land.


A guy was honking at a car ahead of him to speed up at 6AM so I followed him bc his job must be amazing if he’s that excited to get to work.


Robbing me is only a good idea if you’re running low on ketchup packets.