Phones can’t detect my thumbprint. My career as a cat burglar is about to take off.
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just checked my bank account and all I can say is who wants foot pics
The scene where Indiana Jones swaps the bags and runs from a boulder but it’s me trying to eat a cookie without my kid seeing me
Oh boy, I am desperate!
My bowels do churn.
Too many tacos!
I never will learn.
Pardon me, Sir!
I believe it’s my turn.– Horton Has to Poo
They just got engaged at a hibachi restaurant — and the chef wrote their initials in rice!
[grabs mic during TED Talk] They’re towing a BMW in the parking lot
*crowd goes apeshit*
[pulling the casket a few inches away from the wall during a funeral]
sorry just need to plug in my phone for a minute
GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”
Brain: “something is wrong”
Me: “what is it?”
Brain: “you gotta guess ”
If you ever see me wearing anything fur lined or faux fur, please punch the person I’m with in the face. I’ve been kidnapped & need saved!!
[being murdered by cows]
more like (finger quotes) “moodered” amirite
[the other farm animals immediately join in, even some corn is mad]
HIM: promise you won’t tell anyone?
ME: yeah! [under my breath] except my best friend
HIM: what?
ME: nothing! [whispering] there is a hierarchy of loyalty and your position on that hierarchy is low
HIM: what did you say?
ME: that ur secret’s safe with me 🙂
Enough with the false promises. If you turn on your left signal, you turn left. I don’t care if it was a mistake. You’re turning left now.
I’ve turned the wifi off. The 15yo’s world has ended. I feel like one of the 4 Horseman of the Apocalypse.
Conquest, War, Famine & Dad.
Hey don’t get mad at us just because Generation X got the cool nickname
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
4yo: Bagel
Me: *makes it
4yo: Tricked you! I wanted toast
Me: Nice trick. Now, eat your bagel
[Super Bowl Halftime performance]
Rhianna: 🎶 Know you wanna see me nakey, nakey, naked 🎶
7YO: Why would he want to see her naked body?
9YO: Maybe he’s a doctor
Your cat doesn’t love you. If it were bigger it would eat you.
Licorice: for when you feel like edible Tupperware
I don’t think I cadaver study a dead body
i know what will make the other reindeer like rudolph more – a surprise promotion from the boss on the biggest night of the year
This donut scented car air freshener is going to pay for itself next time I get pulled over.
I can’t believe I used to talk to people.
Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.
Boss: You wrote one of your strengths is invisibility and that seems–what are you doing?!
Me (giving him the finger): Wait–you can see me?
You can have a terrier or you can have a Roomba, but you cannot have both.
I dunno, I guess it started when my parents got married in a gazebo
CEO: we’re shutting down 60 offices to save $$ and everyone will work at home.
me: cool. do i get a bigger raise next year then?
CEO: haha no. but we will give you your office chair for free
Dude yelled “Fight me like a man” at me, so I held him down and marginalized him for a thousand years.
Cops said my blood alcohol level was above the legal limit which is crazy because I don’t even drink blood alcohol.
Kids today: Find out school is cancelled via text
Me: Had to wake up at 5 a.m. and watch the bottom of the tv screen like the NFL Draft