Phones have become so expensive that if you fall and hear a cracking sound you pray that it was your leg.
You Might Also Like
Ladies: The “silent treatment” is not a punishment. Try the “sit next to him and cry and or frown excessively treatment” instead.
I really like your LED headlights can I look at them with my hammer
Been married six months and I can’t even remember the last time I felt lucky on Google.
People that don’t have dogs, how do you clean up the food that’s dropped on the floor?
(filming reality TV show)
him: we’re out here looking for Bigfoot
me: so a guy with just one foot?
him: no, an ape-type creature
me: gotcha. a big hairy guy. with one foot
him: he has 2 feet
me: why isn’t he called BigFeet then?
him: get out
I’m sorry I showed you snaps from my colonoscopy after you made me look at your ultrasound. I thought we were sharing pics of our innards.
THERAPIST: your problem is, that youre perfect, and everyone is jealous of your good posts, and that makes you rightfully upset.
ME: I agree
Theres a dating website for people that believe the government is ran by lizard people so I really have no excuse for being single
sometimes the people that hurt us the most are the people with nunchucks
All I’m saying is never ask a bald man if he remembers something off the top of his head.
Jan – Nov: depressed
December: depressed but with tinsel
My wife’s yoga class is really relaxing…
‘Cuz she’s usually gone for at least two hours.
[in bed]
me: was that thunder?
wife: i didn’t hear anything
dog: [checking Dog Handbook]
“in case of thunder, or any sound resembling thunder, stand directly on the nearest human head”
Babies look like old men. I told my newborn niece she was my sweet schmoopie angel and she told me to get off her lawn.
Bought a dozen stamps today so my kids can expect 11 stamps as part of their inheritance
I’ve been reading about a scientist who’s working to increase the size of male deer.
He’s hoping to make big bucks.
when I was 12 or so my babysitter would always talk about this girl she used to babysit—how cool she was, how much she missed her—and it made me hate this girl out of pure childish jealously bc I wanted my babysitter to think *I* was cool. the other girl was Emma Stone however
Nervous around the person you like? Sue them. They’ll be forced to see you in court, well dressed & in control. Let the law be your wingman.
[first date]
HER: So, do you have any hobbies?
ME: No, not really.
SOCK PUPPET: You’re not going to tell her about us?
Damn Girl, did you just get in a water balloon fight or are you happy to see me?
My 6 yr old just asked if I’m a happy wife.. her cover is blown I think she might be working for the other side
*whispers to dog wearing a ‘working dog, do not pet’ vest*
psst what time does your shift end?
Money is the root of all wealth
I think the inventor of the internet likely didn’t intend for it to be used to post videos of simians reacting to humans doing magic tricks.
him: I wish you’d talk more during sex.
me: Okay.[during sex]
me: cats have 32 muscles in each ear
him: please don’t speak
Dad: People overcome adversity all the time. Look at Beethoven. They told him he was deaf, but did he listen?
Me: *never blinks again*
pictures of spider-man
*gazing up at stars*
Her (whispering): is that the Big Dipper?
Me (a barista): actually the technical term for it is Venti Dipper
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: wow that was really fast
Marriage is basically a never ending competition to prove who is the most tired