Here is my toddler homeschooling schedule. Any questions?
10-12pm: frozen 2
WIFE: Where the hell are u
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u love?
W: omg YES!
ME: I’m petting a dog near there
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Fortune cookie: You will travel far and wide and touch many lives along the way.
Me: [sighs and starts drafting apology notes now]
me: what kind of dog is that?
me: sorry, *deep raspy voice* what kind of dog is that?
the two year old I nanny just said “ahh loud raisins” as a response to me grinding the coffee beans soooo she’s already better at improv/comedy than literally half this town
Bill Clinton is so getting laid tonight. Hillary is in Indonesia.
Black Friday Shopping Tips:
1. You don’t need anything
2. You can’t afford anything
3. You’ll just be in the way
“Sorry, I have to take this call.”
“That’s a banana. And it’s half eaten.”
*covers banana with hand
“I don’t tell you how to do business.”
People tell you to make yourself at home but then look confused when you drink their liquor and take a nap in the kitchen
I pulled a hamstring and a pig fell from the ceiling and gave me a hug