[Phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u love?
W: omg YES!
ME: I’m petting a dog near there
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Me: I’m ghosting him.
Her: You stopped talking to him?
Me: No, I’m showing up when he least expects it and scaring the shit out of him.
[toddlers, ordering in a restaurant] “garçon! your freshest fish crackers, for the lady, and for me – the sauce of one apple.”
scared to check what name she chose
Tax tip: Even if it’s true, never list your dog as head of household. They’ll roll over under audit.
People just like to argue.
People: No we don’t
Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.
[grocery store]
Meat department: 7 people will all try to help you at the same time, they are very excited about this
Rest of the store: reportedly one person works here but he has not been heard from since 1989. His name is Gary. If you see him, tell him his family misses him
Wife: I won’t ask again, take the trash out!
Me: OK, ok. I’m doing it!
[3 days later]
W: Can you take the trash out?
M: No way!
W: *angry* I beg your pardon?
M: *shrugging* You promised you’d never ask me again
W: I despise you
When a movie has an exorcist, some demons are in for a bad time, but not at first.
The idea of a fight club with rules is ridiculous. My fight club can’t even keep track of the snack chart.
Mmm that smells good. Is it mint?
Are you going to eat it? Please eat it.
No…..don’t throw it away! NO!!
[My dog watching me floss]
Escape rooms are a fun way to discover you’re the dumbest in your friend group
Objects in the mirror may appear like you’ve been depressed and have eaten a lot the last 3 years.
The horror:
“Come on, I’ll introduce you to everyone”.
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now
Me *shuffles further behind cabinet* better?
Receptionist: Yes but shh he’s coming
Relations at the bird feeder have been strained since the experimental millet blend.
Me, dressed as Zeus: Release the kraken!
Son, *from his holding cell*: Just bail me out. Why are you like this?
Just saw a squirrel jump about 15 feet from one tree to another. He is now my new emergency contact.
It’s amazing how many people can hit pine trees and drive with them still hanging on their car roofs. Like nothing happened.
*tries to mount a horse*
Horse: “I have a boyfriend.”
Not all relationships revolve around physical passion. Some of us are married.
I always carry a piece of paper with me, just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.
ME: *opens car door for date like a gentleman*
DATE: *running and out of breath* PLEASE STOP THE CAR
“people on the internet are so unhinged” no that’s just people in general, the internet is just how you find out
People out there are trying to contact the dead and you’re telling me you can’t text back?
ME: I’m just like you I put my pants on one leg at a time
HR: but what if you did it before getting to the office
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My neighbor with a toddler is over here telling me what life is like with one kid like I got my children in a 3-pack.
Kids are the worst CIA agents. I KNOW WATERBOARDING SUCKS KATIE BUT YOU CAN’T TELL THE TALIBAN EVERYTHING FOR A CAPRI SUN YOU IDIOT
Him: If you could have dinner with any people, living or dead, who would you choose?
Me: All the dead ones