[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u wanted?
W: OMG
M: I’m in a bar not far from there
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[job interview for garbageman]
interviewer: I like your enthusiasm, you’re hired
Three raccoons in trench coat: [ecstatic chittering]
I鈥檓 sorry but I CANNOT believe that the verified Nickelodeon TikTok posted this
Bandanas are back in style, it only took a worldwide pandemic.
Millipede Parent: This little piggy went to market…
*ten years later* …and this little piggy went weee all the way home.
How鈥檚 homeschooling going?
I just failed grade 5 math.
Again.
Thank god my neighbors let their dogs out at 5am or I might actually sleep in on a Saturday.
Went to work without a drop of makeup on… walked by a mirror and said good morning thinking that was someone else.
Tim Burton: I have a movie to pitch
Exec: oh boy here we go
Tim Burton: it鈥檚 a love story
Exec: go on
Tim Burton: about two people from different parts of town
Exec: sounds pretty cute actually
Tim Burton: oh and he鈥檚 super emo and has scissors for hands
Exec: there it is
Waiter: would you like another drink before I bring you the check?
Me: holy shit how bad is it?!
First line in frozen pizza instructions: DO NOT EAT FROZEN PIZZA W/OUT COOKING. It’s almost like they know I’m the target demographic.
If you love someone don鈥檛 do anything. Just wait, see what happens. Maybe it will go away
Whenever Becky says anything in the breakroom, I just say, “well, that got racist pretty fast” and walk out. I hate you so much, Becky.
It all started when I realized that we didn’t call whiskers on rodents “mouse-taches”
THERAPIST *pushes intercom* Deb, cancel my 3 o’clock.
Diet day 1
I have removed all the bad food from the house.
It was delicious.
Nothing guarantees running into someone you know in public better than looking like a feral animal on two hours of sleep.
When the intruder towards Virat Kohli at Eden Gardens – VK couldn’t control his laugh seeing policeman’s reaction 馃槀
Me: I need the other guy
Him: I鈥檓 the head surgeon
Me: [with a broken foot] exactly
robber: be cool this is a robbery
me: [unbuttons the top three buttons of my shirt]
On a dark desert highway
Cool Whip in my hair 馃幍
3 wishes for when I find a genie:
1. The more I eat the skinnier I get
2. One kid grows up to be a pharmacist
3. Other kid owns a winery
I found my husband’s shirt in the dishwasher & his beer mug in the hamper, but the details of this caper have yet to emerge.
What idiot called her a Hot Indian Girl and not a Bomb Bae
1900: Let’s filter coffee.
1950: We need to filter cigarettes.
1970: We should really filter water.
2015: I want to filter my face.
If you believe a food is 0 calories hard enough, it becomes true.
Follow me for more health advice
If all your friends jumped off a bridge would you follow them?
Machine learning algorithm: yes.
I’m on a walk with my 4 year old. There’s not another person in sight. I’ve tapped her on her far shoulder three times already and each time she’s stopped, turned around, and looked confused as hell. We’ve still got a long walk ahead–I’m going to go for the world record.
Sitting on the patio having coffee a bee lands on my arm I am still no flailing of arms I become one with the bee
Narrator: bee stings the shit out of him
I hate when people talk down to me like I don鈥檛 already know I鈥檓 an idiot.
Watching movies with kids:
If he/she hasn’t seen it, eons and billions of questions.
If he/she has seen it, eons and billions of spoilers.
there should be a drug that makes you addicted to cleaning the apartment