“Yes, sir. How big is your party?”
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u wanted?
M: I’m in a bar not far from there
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Me: What are my choices again?
Pollster: Donald Trump…
Me: I’m thinking.
7: mom, who sings this song?
Me: Pink Floyd
*5 minutes later*
7: who sings this one?
Me: still Pink Floyd, buddy
Some women can shave their heads and look like goddesses. If I shaved my head, I would look like roll-on deodorant.
Therapist: You’re not really improving
Me: What if we pressed down on my foot and forehead at the same time and did a factory reset?
Therapist: well it’s worth a try
I’ve been using my 4 year old as an alarm clock for the last month. Let me tell you, remarkably consistent.
Just overheard a guy say he was buying a MacBook so he doesn’t have to worry about the Ebola virus. What.
Friend: How’s your sex life?
Me: Why’d you say it like that?
F: Like what?
M: With airquotes and a guy playing sad trombone behind you
Her: what’s your favorite thing about our date tonight?
Me: that it’s almost over