Photographer: Ok. You two hold hands, & u, in the back, hold a gun to that guy’s head. Nice. I’ll add blush in post.
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Librarian: Can I help you?
Me: Yeah, I’m looking for a book about-
Librarian: Being psychic?
Me: No…
Librarian: One day that will work.
I’m told I look very good for a man twice my age.
Sex is great and all but have you ever been tased in a Dairy Queen parking lot?
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
I have eaten all the Halloween candy, so this year trick or treaters are getting Taco Bell’s hot sauce packets
When they ask if you got a minute and then you sit and watch the typing bubbles for 15 min.
Hypnotist: When I count to three you will wake up
Me: Then don’t count to three
“I might pop down later” – Translation: You’ve more chance of seeing a dancing hippo than you have of seeing me later
I crave feet in the sand, a gentle ocean breeze, the sun on my face, and two entirely new presidential candidates.
SPIN INSTRUCTOR: you can do this, you just have to want it
ME, NOT EATING ICE CREAM SANDWICHES IN BED: neat. what’s another way?
Me: Pfft.. There is scientific evidence that a woman’s brain is lighter than a man’s.
Her: Perhaps because it gets more exercise.
A bathroom scale that when you stand on it just says “Your body is but a point in space; your life, a differential of time.”
Me: I’m living paycheque to paycheque
Society: Maybe you should have gotten an education
Me: I’m a teacher
No expert, but pretty sure the chickens need a new toner cartridge now
Her: I love you
Me: What’d I do now?
Her: Nothing. I just love you
Me: OK, what’d you do?
Her: Nothing
Me: FOR GODSAKE TELL ME WHO DID WHAT
not enough men these days put fish in their mouth and pull out the entire skeleton in tact
It finally happened: someone asked me where the library was in Spanish. I’ve been training for this since high school.
Those traps inside ancient temples still work after thousands of years but you sit on your ear buds ONE time…
*hires 2 personal trainers and makes one of them train the other one*
It seems like I only lose weight when I don’t buy ice cream.
Can someone else start buying my ice cream for me please?
MOM: [walks into daughter’s room, sees protest signs, history books, list of senators’ phone numbers on bed] Are you… politically active?
You collect clowns AND porcelain dolls??
Are you sure you don’t want some help filling out your dating profile sir?
Donkey Kong sommelier
Limbo is the only sport where being really bad at it means you’re raising the bar.
Even before the internet, I always had a little side chat going on in my head.
God: okay so manatees, no necks on them, like wet potatoes
Angel: yes sir, and what shall I do with all the excess necks?
God: *smiles and looks over at the giraffe* YOU!
Angel: sir pls, he can’t possibly have al-
God: ALL THE NECKS!
When I was in 2nd grade, a girl in my class had a large pack of crayons. I wanted it. She asked if I would trade her my soul for the crayons. I said yes. But my mom made me trade her back so I could keep my soul & said if I traded my soul away again, I was grounded.
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
One man has two TCs, an ex with a troll account & a girlfriend who knows his passcode. How long does this man have to live?
Show your work.
Not to brag, but my son’s principal hasn’t called today.