Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Walking my dog in his Halloween outfit and a woman walking the other way asked, “Is that a costume?”

I guess I never realized how realistic his shark costume is.

marvel comics have peaked

Yoda: In the Light Side, the real power is.

Luke: The Emperor controls the galaxy. You live in a swamp.

Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.

I want an app for each website I visit. And I want all of them to have loud videos that play automatically. This is my ideal user experience

when cоvid is over “mask off” will be the #1 song in the world and then we will finally understand why his name is future

[alien taking notes]

Humans: Reluctant to common sense gun control, yet somehow completely overreactive when approached by a bee.

Don’t you hate it when you misjudge a moment of silence and lean in for a kiss.

Worst police interrogation ever.

Yelp Review: Babies

Cute at first, but then screamy like angry pterodactyls. There is literally poop everywhere. Would not recommend.

Say what you will about the state of the world, but now feels like a really good time to start marketing my C̶u̶l̶t̶ C̶o̶m̶m̶u̶n̶e̶ Adult Summer Camp

Lance isn’t a common name now, but in Medieval times guys were named Lance a lot.

If used correctly, Twitter can be used as an antidepressant. Just don’t take it as a suppository.

Me: I have a toothache
WebMD: Your dad is the Zodiac killer

My apartment is a mess, I should move

me: anything interesting happen today?

my 8yo: I finally got a booger out of my nose that’s been there since I was 5.

Have a baby hold your cigarette for a minute

and everybody loses their shit!

I was going to have sex with you, but you asked what Mario Kart was and wore pants inside the pillow fort….I’m just kidding. I don’t care.

[commercial for twitter]

hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry

I never knew how long it took a human to fall asleep until I had kids. In case you’re wondering it’s 2 hours, 3 cups of water, & 18 books.

Oops

MEN:
Developed Theory of Relatively.
Walked on the Moon.
Painted the Mona Lisa.

Baffled by bra hooks.

Me: “Sorry I’m late. Car trouble.”

Him: “What kind of car trouble?”

Me: “It doesn’t go 200 miles an hour to compensate for my late start.”

*Runs 6 miles*

*Adds Kenyan to resume*

“Doc, it’s embarrassing, but I don’t feel sexy.”

“Try wearing the wife’s panties.”

“Really?”

“Yeah, the red ones with the lace are nice”

*Batman happily approaches Batmobile*
Wife: Forget it, Bruce! We have two car seats & need to go to Costco.
*Defeatedly gets in Batvan*

If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.

[god, creating chickens]
Put a red beard on a fat hiccuping sparrow. Give him a matching hat, I don’t care

I hate when someone sneaks up in front of you when you’re scrolling on your phone

it was the busta rhymes, it was the wursta rhymes

Me: If I take these, will you do that thing I like?

My sinuses: Oh yeah baby, we’ll let you breathe.