Photoshop is turning 25 years old this week. Actually, it’s 35 but just looks 25.
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[an awkward minute passes as Death struggles to pick up change from the countertop]
Death: (embarrassed) ha ha slippery coins
Drugstore Clerk: nah man it’s cuz you got them bone hands
my kids teacher via zoom: division is multiplication backwards
me: (in distant background) holy shit.
80% of my day is spent saying “dishwasher” after I hear a kid throw dishes into the sink.
My 7yo was asked what he loves most about his parents:
Mommy is cuddly, likes to dance, and makes yummy cookies.
Daddy is the only one in the family with hair on his face.
Letting your friend have the last mozzarella stick is the ultimate snackrifice
Our 8-yr-old son announced that he is moving in with the family down the street because they have a PlayStation.
My wife: “What about us? We’re your family, and we love you.”
Son, enthusiastically: “We can be neighbors.”
Me: I’m terrified of random letters
Therapist: You are?
Me: (Screams)
Therapist: I see
Me: (Scream intensifies)
learn just enough tap dancing just to tap dance out of the room when you win an argument
The fact that it’s still not legal to print your own money is bullshit.
If she thinks Simon and Garfunkel are the names of your lawyers, she may be too young for you bro.
My grasp of English, my journalism degree, and my sanity are all in question since I instructed my kids to put on “long sleeve pants” this morning
I spilled coffee over my keyboard, so I spent all day asking letters from my employees.
“Give me a “g”
“Give me an “h”
They hate me now.
You know your cooking sucks when you toss your leftovers down the garbage disposal and it throws them up again.
Hey baby, just call me Uranium because I’m:
-Solid
-Highly dense
-Pale in color
-Flexible
-I’ll probably poison you if you hang around me too long.—me flirting with a chemist
Damm August got somewhere to be don’t it
There should be guide dogs that prevent you from making bad decisions.
Ok why even have a pool if you can’t do ANYTHING in it
If you see a porcupine in your yard, that’s my cat and we’re not done with our accupuncture session.
Your bio says you’re 29, your selfies suggest you slept with Hemingway.
If you see a girl crying, a nice thing to do is show your compassionate side and ask if it’s because of her haircut.
Fun Fact: rock lobsters are easily identified by the tiny electric guitar they hold in their claws
WHY DOES THIS BOTTLE OF BODY WASH HAVE DIRECTIONS PRINTED ON IT
Office fun: replace your coworker’s mouse with a larger mouse so he thinks his hands are shrinking then call him “baby hands” until he quits
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m pretty sure based on the amount of stuffed animal surgery I’ve done, I’m a doctor now.
*cooks for 2 hours with all fresh ingredients*
My family: it’s ok*throws in frozen pizza*
My family: yayyyy pizzaaaa!
Them: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Yes.
Toddler: I won’t eat that lovingly prepared, absolutely delicious, gourmet meal because it’s yucky
Also Toddler: Eats 5 week old goldfish cracker from car seat and cries for more
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I’m making a quinoa and kale-
Me: [already at McDonald’s]