You’re suppose to wear clean underwear in case you’re ever in an accident.
I wear a new pair of shoes every day in case a house lands on me.
Photosynthesis is the process used by plants to convert a picture into a thousand words
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ER Dr: What are you doing?
Me: I’m decorating.
ER Dr: Why?
Me: According to my bill I live here now.
Once the cats learn to monetize their own content they will own us.
Me: You must train hard to beat Kylo Ren.
Rey: I already beat him once with literally no training.
Rey: Look. I still have two hands.
*playing Mortal Kombat*
Her: Can I try?
Her: Which one of them shoots that Handookie thingie?
Him: You hang up first.
My ex just sneezed and I accidentally said “bless you” now she just staring at the bushes confused wondering who said that
Maybe, if I sit very still, this nice family at Olive Garden won’t notice that I’m sitting at their table eating their bread sticks.
Me: The door’s locked
Salt: Push it
Me: It’s locked
Pepa: Push it
Me: That won’t work, think of something else
Both: Push it real good?
Kidnapper: 25,000 by this Sunday if you want to see your kids again.
Me: how about 40,000 and you keep them til next weekend?