Lol how “take you out” could mean either we’re going on a date or I’m gonna kill you.
PROCTOLOGIST: can you tell me how many fingers i’m holding up?
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7am: woke up
8am: fell out of bed
9am: dragged a comb across my head
10am: found my way downstairs and drank a cup
11am: looking up I noticed I was late
12pm: found my coat and grabbed my hat
1pm: made tiktoks with my cat
him: there’s been another burglary how do people get into that
me: no idea *putting halloween masks on the kids and handing them bags* let’s start with the rich houses
“The Force Awakens” had 0 people riding giant CGI lizards.
How is that even science fiction?
They might as well rename it “Downton Abbey.”
This old rich guy pointed to a jungle and said I had 20 minutes before he started hunting me. He seems pretty mad that I’m just standing here tweeting.
My daughter was worried that I would embarrass her on this college tour but that was before I showed everyone how well I could twerk
It’s very rude to not refer to the manager at Burger King as “Your Majesty”.
Me: *quits life and moves into a pillow fort*
Them: You need to live in the present.
Me: *covers fort in wrapping paper*
If you reply with “sky” each time I ask what’s up, I shall assume you’re homeless.
My daughter refuses to play with her Ouija Board anymore because every time we play, it spells out CLEAN YOUR ROOM.