[physical exam]
PROCTOLOGIST: can you tell me how many fingers i’m holding up?

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Lol how “take you out” could mean either we’re going on a date or I’m gonna kill you.


[quarantine routine]

7am: woke up

8am: fell out of bed

9am: dragged a comb across my head

10am: found my way downstairs and drank a cup

11am: looking up I noticed I was late

12pm: found my coat and grabbed my hat

1pm: made tiktoks with my cat


him: there’s been another burglary how do people get into that

me: no idea *putting halloween masks on the kids and handing them bags* let’s start with the rich houses


“The Force Awakens” had 0 people riding giant CGI lizards.

How is that even science fiction?

They might as well rename it “Downton Abbey.”


This old rich guy pointed to a jungle and said I had 20 minutes before he started hunting me. He seems pretty mad that I’m just standing here tweeting.


My daughter was worried that I would embarrass her on this college tour but that was before I showed everyone how well I could twerk


It’s very rude to not refer to the manager at Burger King as “Your Majesty”.


Me: *quits life and moves into a pillow fort*

Them: You need to live in the present.

Me: *covers fort in wrapping paper*


If you reply with “sky” each time I ask what’s up, I shall assume you’re homeless.


My daughter refuses to play with her Ouija Board anymore because every time we play, it spells out CLEAN YOUR ROOM.