[physical exam]
PROCTOLOGIST: can you tell me how many fingers i’m holding up?
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Me: You should cut your toenails.
Wife: Huh?
M: You’re scratching my leg.
W: I’m WAY on the other side of the bed!
M: That’s kinda my point.
Too bad we can’t get paid for our funny tweets. I could probably make about $10.
*hires sky writer*
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Doritos CEO: we are getting a lot of backlash over this crunchless chip for women. We need ideas
Thrice divorced Bob: When they finish the bag it can be pulled over their heads in shame
CEO: I like it
Mayonnaise is basically sandwich moisturizer.
Imagine falling in love with a vampire in your 20s, letting them bite you, and having to live for eternity with the type of guy you liked in your 20s.
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, when you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if the object it moved around was the vacuum.
When news reporters do sports stories
Who called them nuclear submarines and not fission ships?
My daughter called Neapolitan ice cream “three-way” ice cream & I’m not sure I’ll correct her cuz I’m a horrible person & it makes me laugh.
When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, he gave me a blank stair.
Oh that’s cute you think the worst sound is “nails on a chalkboard”… Here, borrow my kids for an hour.
heard you like bad girls so I squeezed lemon juice on my fish even though the waiter grabbed me & was like “no, there’s already lemon on it”
Knitting socks for all the geese in the park, they were grateful until they got wet now I have angry geese in wet socks chasing me, this is a powerful lesson I won’t soon forget
Me: they didn’t have cell phones when I was a kid
5: they also didn’t have cars
Relationship status: The pizza is late and I’m worried
Batman v Dracula
Comments other people make during a movie are annoying.
Comments I make during a movie enhance the experience.
playing wake you up before your alarm with my neighbor.
What is the acceptable amount of deviled eggs one can eat in a job interview? This dude just said 5 is too many, and that CANNOT be right?
Parenting explained
Them: Do you know the last time you went to the dentist?
My kids: Look at momThem: How do you want your steak cooked?
My kids: Look at dad
I would have a shitload of money if I liked Ramen Noodles and hated vodka.
One of the meatballs
I made rolls off his plate bounces off the floor and back onto the plateMe: that wasn’t even close to five seconds…you can still eat that
The only reason i’m not practicing bungee jumping is because i refuse to be weighed.
this chicken opens the door to using harder, more dangerous chickens
*cries over spilt milk*
*cries under spilt milk*
*cries adjacent to spilt milk*
*cries immediately to the left of spilt milk*
*cries diagona
women love to see the veins in a man’s arm. it shows he runs on blood, and not something more sinister
Me in my 20’s: Naive af.
Me in my 40’s: Same af.