[physicist excited about a misprinted real estate flyer]
“Honey, check this out! Four mathrooms!”
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As I sit here watching my 9y/o throw a tantrum because his homework is too hard I wonder where YouTube went wrong in raising my children.
“Are you an adult?”
Yeah, but not like on purpose or anything
“You’re sure that’s the right word?”
“Like, 80% sure, yeah.”
“Print it.”
“Have you tried divorcing and restarting your marriage?”
– IT Department as marriage counselors
“Im sorry, I’m just really uncomfortable around children,” she said.
“I understand that,” replied the obstetrician, “but I still need you to push.”
Date: So… Tinder, huh?
Me: Yup.
Date: …
Me: This is kind of awkward.
Date: Maybe we should’ve used real pictures.
Me: You think so, MOM?
listen *drags cigarette* you don’t wanna tweet, kid *exhales* we already did all the jokes
I just saw this in a group on Facebook, so I have no idea where it’s from, but my god, does this infuriate me. You can’t use the same symbol for two different letters!!!!
We got two inches of snow last night and now I can’t find my Smart Car.
children are a fun way to combine the impetuous insanity of a dog with the murderous disdain of a cat
Wait, Omicron isn’t the latest crypto currency?
I was irrationally angry when I realized there were no actual raccoons in Resident Evil
new challenge called “don’t say ‘woow it’s already dark by five these days’ for the rest of winter” challenge
I bet the women who only tweet about sex are probably some of the nicest men you’ll ever meet in person.
I’ll never rob a store because I don’t want to see the police guess my weight on a wanted poster.
My milk is on 2%. Time to charge the battery
[Toy Story 5: The College Years]
girl: do I give you a woody?Andy: don’t– hey, don’t call it that
If you’re ever lost in the woods, just find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
Family Clue night in my house be like: It was the teen in the kitchen with the bag of Doritos.
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
Apparently Bird Box is not a KFC $5 fill up. I know this now…
Fish don’t seem that stupid to me. If a burrito dropped out of the sky and hung in mid air I’d prob eat it.
I jammed the laundry room door and now I can’t get in there and WHY DIDN’T I THINK OF DOING THIS SOONER?!
Wife’s asleep, so while watching TV I apologized to her corner spot on the sofa, for opening the bag of chips during key scenes
My sister in law got my daughter a doll that sings and blows bubbles and I can’t wait for revenge. I mean my niece’s birthday.
*wraps bacon in bacon wrapped bacon*
I just changed all my passwords to “kenny”…
Now I have kenny logins.
#dangerzone
Doing squats. And by that I mean I’m in the squat position. But really the couch is holding me up. I’m sitting on the couch.
KID: *is crying over school drama*
ME: Don’t worry, kid. All this anxiety and insecurity will diminish as you get older-
KID: *smiles hopefully up at me*
ME: and turn into an ominous fear that’ll follow you to the grave.
Monday morning looks like Jack Nicholson breaking through the door in The Shining.