PHYSICIST: There are infinite universes, more than you can imagine
ME: That means there exists a universe in which all my tweets are funny
PHYSICIST: Not that many
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Shout out to the guy behind me flashing red & blue lights.
Sorry kids, if Santa were real he’d have a podcast by now
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Coffee costs less
Than a dinner for two
-Look Jim, I know you mean well, and asking people to help you write messages to your girlfriend is not exactly illegal..
-Right!
-But..
-Ugh, here it goes
-People seam to be scared when you stop them to ask questions, and you know why, Jim
-(drops his head) cause I’m a cop
*holds in gut when stepping on a scale*
Me: I can’t, I actually have a nice little date this weekend.
My nice little date:
I bet the first mohawk was created by a guy trying to even out his sideburns.
Just found a hilarious message in a bottle on the beach. I decided it needed to be RT’d, so I threw it back in.
i thought crypto and bitcoin were x-men characters
FRIEND: our kids are away with their grandparents so I’m taking my wife out tonight
ME: oh wow, like with an assassin or are you gonna do it yourself?
FRIEND: um, like…to dinner
ME: cool, cool
Lady, you misunderstood. When I asked if you would have my kids I didn’t mean sex and babies. I meant take the ones I already have.
Boss: Can I have a word?
Me: Color
Boss: No, I want a word with YOU
Me: Colour
[Sahara desert]
Me: *shares canteen*
Companion: *holds it to his mouth but nothing comes out*
Me: it’s ketchup, you have to wait a bit.
You think you have a pretty strong marriage until you try to help your 5th grader with her math homework together.
ME: how do you stop yourself from falling all the way to China?
GHOST: I can’t do this anymore. I’m going to haunt a different house.
I love it when people yell when trying to communicate with someone who doesn’t speak their language.
Thank you for screaming “do you understand?” That was just what I needed to become fluent in your language on the spot.
when I was little, I drugged the milk to catch Santa. Next morning I found my dad passed out on the stairs. Well played Santa..
[i bite into an apple and a swarm of bees comes flying out]
“this gives me an idea for a restaurant”
*sees a hot girl on the train*
“ay gurl check this out”
*i try to seductively eat a banana but i miss my mouth & smush it into my forehead*
I’d have murdered my husband years ago, but the only place w/ more laundry than my house is prison.
Elon Musk made $180M when PayPal was acquired in 2002.
He put $100M in SpaceX, $70M in Tesla, and $10M in Solar City. He borrowed money for rent.
Now, he’s worth $190 billion.
The greatest entrepreneurs aren’t driven by money; it’s a byproduct of success.
My favorite part about playing video games with my kids is
WAIT WHICH GUY AM I
HOW DO I JUMP
WHAT’S HAPPENING
Why do people say “meteoric rise”? You know, meteors…those space rocks that famously don’t go up?
CHILD: *breathes*
PERSON: You need to keep your child under control, they should be still, quiet, unhappy and oppressed like an adult at all times!PUPPY: *bites persons face off and pees on them*
PERSON: Don’t you dare apologize, he’s a puppy! He’s still learning!
Jesus: I can turn water into wine.
Aquarium: [loud drunken cheering]
ME: Off to the concert with my friends
WIFE: Say hi to everyone for me[later]
ME [individually saying hi to 10,000 ppl] This is exhausting
it’s gotta be as much fun for a slinky to go down an escalator as it is for a human to walk on a treadmill
for my next trick i will fall asleep 15 minutes into the movie i begged us to watch
I tried being the bigger person but all it got me was type 2 diabetes.
“So we kill a tree”
Ok
“And put it inside our house”
Nice
“Then we hang up some socks”
I’m with ya
“And then we drink egg milk punch”
What