Physiotherapist: So tell me how you injured yourself?
Me: Rock climbing.
PT:
Me:
PT:
Me: *whispers* taking off my sports bra.
You Might Also Like
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
I joined my 5yo in Roblox and after she was done giving my avatar a tour of her house, she followed my avatar into the bathroom because she didn’t want it to be lonely. Apparently no version of me gets privacy in the bathroom.
I’m sorry you’re just not NASA material
“Why?”
Well, you wrote ‘red’ then crossed it out & put ‘human’ under blood type on your application.
I wish I had a little robot companion that put his arm out and shook his head at people who tried to talk to me before lunch.
It’s that scene from footloose where Kevin Bacon is angry dancing in the barn but it’s me trying to do my taxes.
There’s a serious limit in how much one can take
If I’m gonna pay $300 for a name brand purse it better come with a mini fridge, steaks, and a new tv
Advertisers have been tracking exactly how much soup and noodles I’ve eaten over the last 20 years and are still somehow convinced that I can afford a Lexus.
[mcdonalds]
me: two marijuanas please
employee: this is the mcdonald’s drive thru
me: two McMarijuanas please
If you don’t speak English. I’M GOING TO REPEAT EXACTLY WHAT I JUST SAID MUCH LOUDER. In hopes that you understand.
-Everyone at my job.
I like to pride myself on knowing whether it’s Ice Ice Baby or Under Pressure by the first bum bum bum badda dum bum.
STAND-UP COMEDIAN: you know how after sex-
ME: [stands up all mad] this isn’t relatable at all
If the Powerball has taught me anything, it’s how to turn $200 into $4.
How your email finds me
Me: Was this product tested on animals?
Clerk: Yes.
Me: [outraged] I knew it!!!!
Clerk: Sir, that’s a dog leash.
Happy Febuary everyone!
Made a pact w/ my wife that if we’re 40 & kids haven’t stopped whining, we’ll meet at top of the Empire State Building so they can’t find us
I call bullshit on vampires that look all sexy and shit when they can’t even see their reflection
If you were forced at gunpoint to either watch ’50 Shades Of Grey’ or read the book, what type of gun would you prefer to be shot dead with?
“I’m not sure-”
wife: honey he’s a zookeeper if he says these are koalas I trust him-aww look at them!
*the raccoons hiss from the dumpster*
Hiking the trails at home, every twig breaking is a serial killer.
Hiking the trails in the mountains, every twig breaking is a mountain lion.
*attaches note to pigeon
*stuffs pigeon into envelope
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
Famous people could rob banks wearing masks of themselves and they’d never get caught.
[Doctor’s Office]
Sir, it appears you have takes-everything-literally disease.
“Is it bad, doc?”
Yes, but bear in mind-
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
[Confessional Booth]
Me: I can’t do anything right.
Priest: Please get off of my lap.
People are shocked when I tell them I’m a horrible electrician
Tired of the cults I join going bankrupt so now I ask to see the prophet and loss statement.
Spring allergies- because my body likes to panic about plant sex