[Picasso’s Blue Period]
Picasso: holy shit, call a gynecologist
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toddler: crying (why am i up)
me: i have no idea you should be napping
toddler: (who woke me up)
me: literally nothing & no one
toddler: (why do i have to stay awake)
me: you don’t please do not
toddler: (i am stressed)
me: you could not have fewer commitments or responsibilities
Me *tries to open website*
Captcha: Prove you’re not a robot
Me: How
Captcha: Live an emotionally fulfilling life
Me: can’t I just click on a box
I’ll take Dumb Ideas for $300, Alex.
Your Answer: sit on the ground and eat food while bugs crawl all over you
What is a picnic?
Correct!
My friend keeps saying that every time he goes to Taco Bell he gets diarrhea.
I said, try ordering Tacos instead.
If you have joint pain..
You’re probably holding it by the wrong end.
Me ~ yes , I want your 2 for $5 Whoppers
Burger King ~ you want cheese on that
Me ~ yes please
Burger King ~ ok that will be $40.75
Coworker: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: *stabs them in the neck with a pen*
cat: psst it’s 5am time to feed me
me: no go away
cat: okay *proceeds to step directly on my bladder* oops my bad
*Opens Facebook, closes Facebook
*Opens Insta, closes Insta
*Opens twitter, doesn’t sleep for 3 days
Anesthesiologists are doctors who don’t like having to talk to people.
accidentally called out my dentist’s name during my colonoscopy
He asked why I put my stick figures on my dash, not the bumper.
I had to explain that it was an actual photo of my relatives.
Goodnight moon, goodnight stars, goodnight perfectly normal Purple Rain album cover where Prince’s eyes follow u across the room
All I want is for someone to push me up against a wall
Lean in
And whisper ‘I’ll do your housework’
me: hey there delilah what’s it like in new york city
delilah: real estate prices have skyrocketed making it impossible for people to find housing and forcing them to commute from further away, adding stress and expense to their already overburdened lives
me: ..you’re so pretty
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
Why do people get photo shoots done for newborns? Just find some pictures online they all look the same.
It’s a real dilemma for me when I’m confronted with a moral issue that wasn’t examined by the writers of the original Star Trek.
If I’m grilling and I can see you grilling, we will engage in a ceremonial tong click and bow.
me: I won two tix in the car on the way home today!
husband: cool, what for?
me: Speeding and Failure To Maintain A Lane.
WIFE: So, is Elon Musk an alien from another galaxy? ME: Nah, an alien would have a name made of random human sounds. Wait
The real heroes are my neighbours in a 5km radius during my quarantine bagpipe practice
My daughter is late coming down to breakfast. Her 3 strips of bacon are getting cold. I mean 2 strips. Sorry, 1 strip. She’ll have cereal.
A health scare but it’s just someone putting a salad in front of me.
Gonna start lying about my age by adding 20 years so everyone tells me how good I look for my age.
I believe I can flyyy.
I believe I can touch the skyyy.
I believe I was mistaaaken.
I believe I’m faaalling.
I believe I’m gonna diiiie.
GUY: I heard a pianist keyed ur car. What are u gonna do?
[flash forward to me hitting the pianist’s piano with my car]
ME: car his keys.
Apparently losing my mind was not the answer they expected when they asked what my plans for the weekend are
[job interview]
Boss: What’s this 3 year gap in your résumé?
Me: I believe the explanation is clear.
B: It just says “ninja-ing.” I don’t underst—
*I have disappeared*
B: Oh man. *looking around* You’re hired.
[From ceiling]
M: I accept.