Sorry I pretended I was drowning so you could see how incredible my hair looked underwater.
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me: hey it smells like upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling in here
therapist: what’s upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling?
me: haha right on, cya guys
wife: wha-
therapist: omfg he’s so smooth why would you ever wanna leave him?
establish dominance at a funeral by crying first
What Harry Potter house am I in?! I am a SERIOUS and MATURE adult.
So Ravenclaw.
[reading my journal] me: damn what a psycho
My five-year plan keeps happening to Ryan Reynolds
My grandma & grandpa’s double headstone reads “I tried” and “No you didn’t”
When you watch a movie and two persons kiss when they wake up, are you all awww, or are you a normal person wondering if two bad breaths cancel out?
INTERVIEWER: What do you see as your biggest weakness?
ME:
INTERVIEWER:
ME:
MY MOTHER: He’s not good at speaking up for himself
Obligatory April 25th Meme Tweet 😆
[a person I want to be friends with so bad offers me a cigarette]
Me: oh I love these!
Them: *goes to light it for me*
Me: *already eating it*
I just broke a mirror disco ball, I’m not looking forward to my 5,600 years of bad luck
Whenever there’s a bee trapped inside my house, I always open all the doors and windows so all the other bees can join it and it doesn’t die alone.
Imagine a spider. Scary, right? Wrong. This spider is imaginary. Really makes you think
Want air conditioning on the shuttle bus? Open a window, Your Majesty.
What did the drummer call his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two….
I’m still laughing .
[butterfly residence]
WIFE: You said you’d change, Carl
HUSBAND: But I have
WIFE: Not really
HUSBAND: Uh…I used to be a fricken caterpillar
Pronounces Canada like armada and i’m not from there so obviously i’m not sorry.
I’ve been banned from the starwars subreddit for repeatedly referring to C3PO as “the aluminum foil”
ALIEN:*points at Chihuahua* whats that?
ME: a dog
ALIEN:*points at Husky* whats that?
ME: dog
ALIEN:*getting angry, points at Pug* whats THA
[eulogy]
line?
I’m a 67-year-old obese male with moderate COPD and I’m pretty sure the coronaviruses are passing around pictures of me.
I guess the guy who named the space between stuff in the universe “space” was just tired.
Do you like them? I made them from scratch. Do you want one? – me introducing my kids to strangers.
Just parrot things
The partisan media is ONCE AGAIN twisting my words, so let me make this perfectly clear: I am NOT a little teapot. The video clips being circulating showing me stamping my feet and repeatedly insisting that I AM a little teapot have been taken out of context.
Bodyguard Idea:
Clowns. No one will come anywhere near you.
Nurse at the doctor’s office took my blood pressure, and I swear she was one pump away from hearing my safe word.
Dr: You’re diabetic. Too much sugar and I’ll have to amputate your legs.
Me: *shoving Cinnabon in mouth* Can I get those cool blade ones?
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Is anyone here a doctor?
ME: *opening WebMD* Hold on, hold on.
To find out your cat name, pick any name at random and refuse to answer to it.