“Pick a card….any card.” -impatient Hallmark employee

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Literally to be eliminated from the English language in 2015

Use it while you can, white girls


[watching the little mermaid]
NEPHEW: mermaids arent real
SISTER: not in front of your uncle-
ME *slamming down my beer* I KNOW WHAT I SEEN


Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, a monkey, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.


[trying to eat a pretzel]

the knot wizard hath defeated me again


I root against my college football team. That place put me $80,000 in debt. It’d be like rooting for the bank that holds your mortgage.


On this day in 1969, the 1st episode of Scooby Doo appeared on TV, beginning a golden age of teenagers getting high in the back of vans.


ME: *throwing up gang signs*
FRIEND: Dude, how many did you eat?