Beware of fowl play.
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My phone keeps sending me a message telling me moisture has been detected in my usb port, I think it might be flirting with me
This has got to be the Twitter exchange of the day.
why are you, as a wallet company, giving away a $500 gift card? what am i gonna do? buy $500 worth of wallets?
Me: I had a nightmare that someone broke into our house and tried to steal our kids
Husband: What’s the nightmare part?
Anyone else ever wondered how long it would take a giraffe to throw up ?
If your 3yo cries for 45 min cause she wants to stay on the toilet but she doesn’t want to stay on the toilet and she wants to wipe but she doesn’t want to wipe and she wants you to stay but she doesn’t want you to stay, letting her have cookies for breakfast is called self-care.
My dad: don’t tell your mom I got her a camera until Christmas morning
Me: [12:01 am Christmas morning] wake up mom, dad got you a camera
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
Me: I always start eating a bunny by biting the ears clean off.
Her: That’s not unusual – I think most people like to eat chocolate bunnies that way.
Me: Chocolate?
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Me: Hey, baby. Want to come over?
Him: No, I’m sorry. I’m contemplating the meaning of life.
Me: I’m naked and alone 😏
Him: We all are…
Funny women are smart. Be careful.
My son just informed me that they have been out of soap in the kids’ bathroom for 2 days, but not to worry because he’s been using conditioner to wash his hands.
When you’ve already coughed 3 times in class and you’re trying not to cough again
Hair color is camouflage. When it turns white, nature’s saying, “this one’s done; go ahead and eat him.”
Don’t get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.
Doctor: How long has this been bothering you?
Women: It started after work 2 days ago at 7pm.
Men: I think it started in the 90’s.
I could look like Margot Robbie if I was younger, taller, and had a whole different face.
my grandma has a secret tuna casserole recipe that involves a 911 call
Him: I eat healthily
Me who has just learned the word ditto and can’t wait to use it: say something else
So what I ate my salad with a spoon, lf you give me a second date and i’ll show you how I tackle soup
In todays addition of what will we find when we take off our bra…two legos AND a winning lotto ticket! Just kidding that would be so awesome but it was just two legos.
dads be like “go help your mother” bro go help your wife
Why aren’t these people with Ebola doing the ice bucket challenge? Don’t they want to get better?
(child accidentally being born in butcher shop)
Shirtless mother: what should we name him?
Father: um..*looks around room* a..bra…ham
You realize a robot is telling you to pick out tree pictures to make sure you’re not a robot.
me after drinking all the wine:
I almost ran somebody over yesterday, I guess I’ll have to try harder next time