Pick up a book, any book. Open to the middle, and read the first paragraph.
Make sense?
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mom: ur not a vampire

[me hanging from my bunk bed]

mom: dear god ur 34 now come on I made pizza rolls

me: vhaaaaaaat?


Doctor: “How many fingers am I holding up?”

Ian: “err… 13…”

Doc: “Yeah. Some of these are yours. You’ve been in a serious accident.”


You (irrational, cowardly): Don’t panic, but there’s a small fire in the building

Me (stoic, level-headed, brave even): *picks you up and uses you as a battering ram for my hurried escape*


[ First day as a British comedy account ]

I sure do love those chocolate chip *checks writing on hand* biscuits? That can’t be right.


*undercover cop knocks* Hi fill out this survey to win a free IPad!
1. name
2. address
3. email
4. where are drugs
*mustache falls off*


Kylo: I need an N to finish my favorite Vader quote.

Han: This is SpaghettiOs, not Alphabet Soup.

Kylo: Great. Now Vader says, “OOOOOOOO!”


Nobody expects you to tweet brilliance. Just be yourself, with the occasional intent of bringing shame to your entire family.


Daughter: Before the internet how’d you get anything done?!

Me: I don’t remember honey. Google it.


I’m at the age where if I took an oatmeal bath I would want to add blueberries.


So, no one told my 13yo that spoons can’t go in the microwave.

How’s your day