Pick up a book, any book. Open to the middle, and read the first paragraph.
Make sense?
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Feeling tired, might convince a dragon I’m gold so I can nap for a few years in his cave while he protects me from anyone trying to find me.
That awkward moment when you try something on in a shop but you don’t know if you can get it off again.
I just left a pregnancy test box in my brother’s bathroom to mess with him and his new girlfriend.
I set an alarm when I’m napping just to make sure I’m not late for my second nap.
Sorry I asked if today was laundry day. I was just trying to find a way to understand your outfit.
Love how Scooby-Doo has the ability to speak and the mystery gang is like nbd
Remember those kids that used no tear shampoo? Well, they never learned to cry and now they’re all sociopaths. Nice going L’Oréal
#MayweathervMcgregor.
Right now, Danny Ocean is robbing the Bellagio.
Today, i tried to run with a mask on, but i couldn’t.
It reminded me of those times when i tried to run without a mask and still couldn’t.
This is Facts right here 🤣🤣💀
[me on a ledge]
COP: (through megaphone) WE’VE CALLED SOMEONE WHO CAN HELP!
*Kris Kross steps out of a police van*
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
“Chicks dig a bad boy,” I say as I write ‘POOPIE’ in crayon all over her bedroom walls.
Hear me out, a Barbie whose hair color changes to gray everytime a child screams.
[Mom]: My son’s voice is changing
[Dr.]: Thats normal at his age
[Mom]: This is normal?
*fax machine noises are coming from the kid’s mouth*
Cats (2019)
*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*Where’s the shit you made me at school?
The rose petal scene from American Beauty, but just me naked and covered in candy wrappers.
how i look when they bring my wings at pluckers.
[therapy session]
THERAPIST: ok…I totally respect your feelings & you sound genuine…but that was just the plot of Jurassic Park
ME: nuh uh
My cat keeps stealing my earrings off the dresser.
Jokes on her, all the backs are missing. She’ll never be able to wear them.
My strong stance on drinking milk straight from the carton has met with no opposition from people who haven’t caught me yet.
Me: Come on eat that.
Miss 10: I don’t want it, it makes me want to throw up.
[Sees my face].
10: In a good way.
Imagine being reincarnated as grass?
Smothered by snow. That melts and then you get trampled by kids at play, shit on by dogs, scorched by sun, flooded by rain, then once a week have your head chopped off.
LAWYER: [whispers] i did the murder [loudly] read that back?
STENOGRAPHER: “I Did The Murder.”
JUDGE: omg the stenographer just confessed
After drinking that much, I just hope whatever I bring back home is some sort of human.
On Twitter, people respect you for sharing your deepest, darkest flaws. Unless those flaws are typos, in which case, die in a fire.
How’d you get a black eye?
Walked into a door.
[Later, another shiner]
More doors?
*nods*
One does not simply walk into more doors.
When people in movies get fired, they all have that one little box with a framed picture on top. You worked there for 17 years, why don’t you have more stuff?
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.