mom: ur not a vampire
[me hanging from my bunk bed]
mom: dear god ur 34 now come on I made pizza rolls
Pick up a book, any book. Open to the middle, and read the first paragraph.
Welcome to Twitter.
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Doctor: “How many fingers am I holding up?”
Ian: “err… 13…”
Doc: “Yeah. Some of these are yours. You’ve been in a serious accident.”
You (irrational, cowardly): Don’t panic, but there’s a small fire in the building
Me (stoic, level-headed, brave even): *picks you up and uses you as a battering ram for my hurried escape*
[ First day as a British comedy account ]
I sure do love those chocolate chip *checks writing on hand* biscuits? That can’t be right.
*undercover cop knocks* Hi fill out this survey to win a free IPad!
4. where are drugs
*mustache falls off*
Kylo: I need an N to finish my favorite Vader quote.
Han: This is SpaghettiOs, not Alphabet Soup.
Kylo: Great. Now Vader says, “OOOOOOOO!”
Nobody expects you to tweet brilliance. Just be yourself, with the occasional intent of bringing shame to your entire family.
Daughter: Before the internet how’d you get anything done?!
Me: I don’t remember honey. Google it.
I’m at the age where if I took an oatmeal bath I would want to add blueberries.
So, no one told my 13yo that spoons can’t go in the microwave.
How’s your day