Kim Davis says war has been declared on traditional marriage. Still unclear is which of her four marriages is under attack.
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Joseph: I swear I just heard the wind call your name
Mary: um, that was probably…god
Joseph: God sounded a lot like our neighbor Jeff
Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?
If I win Poweball we’re all gonna have a party with SOOO much cocai…cake!
People are posting throwback photos to their first days of school, and I’m like “I was a third child. My parents only have about 10 photos from my entire childhood, maybe 11 tops.”
Why do coffee beans smell so good, and coffee breath is like bleh?
If laziness was an Olympic sport, I’d probably come in fourth so I wouldn’t need to walk up to the podium.
*sees sister’s facebook post that her dog died*
how do i tell her i love her & i’ll always be there for her
*clicks sad face button*
perfect
SON: but I want to see my friend!
ME: buddy, I’m sorry. It’s not great right now. Mommy and Daddy can’t see our friends either.
SON: … you guys have friends?
[during sex]
me: imma turn the ceiling fan on
giraffe wife: *on top* noooooooo
Bake a book inside a cake and help a convict escape into his or her imagination.
My husband has blocked the sink!!!!
.
I knew I should have buried him in the garden!
*buys condoms* So I just eat these and it traps the baby?
I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.
Me, sitting on the patio trying to enjoy a book.
Leaf blowers: ABSOLUTELY NOT.
The Raptcha…you have to prove you’re not a robot before you can get into heaven
Who called it ‘my foot’s asleep’ and not ‘comatoes’
I’m slowly replacing people in my life with different snack foods.
Sorry I threw firewood at you and yelled “shoo”, but with the amount of eye liner you wear, you resemble the raccoons that raided my cooler.
MORGAN FREEMAN: I’m here to narrate your life
ME: cool!
[2 hrs later]
MF: he’s still trying to figure out the childproof cap on his Tylenol
Started a hate list & so far I just have myself & the ladle from Jurassic park
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: are u carrying any drugs
ME: [a mousetrap is in my pocket] i don’t remember but i do consent to a search
Me: [first person to scratch my nails against a chalkboard]
Wife: STOP THAT
Me: Why?
Wife: It’s like…
Me: It’s like what
Wife: It’s definitely like something
Me: Now do you believe me?
Wife: The fridge isn’t haunted.
Me: Then who made all that ice?
Wife: *walks away*
Me: WHO?!
My baby’s daycare teacher said tomorrow is pajama day which is awkward because I send him wearing pajamas every day
my 8yo: this girl at camp showed me her nooks and crannies today.
me:
me: nooks and crannies?
him: it’s a kind of candy.
me: whew
All the good ones are taken.
All the funny ones are fat.
All the smart ones are ugly.All the ones with all of the above are fictional.
20’s: You can eat whatever you want.
30’s: Just two slices of pizza. You’re watching your weight.
40’s: You gained four pounds watching an Olive Garden commercial.
*Uses time machine to constantly go back to bed*
ME: I declare bankruptcy
CUSTOMS OFFICER: No just like stuff you bought in Mexico
My favorite Tacobell menu item is the cheesy *checks google translate* little chubby girl crunch