Always treat your woman like a princess, let a giant turtle kidnap her.
Pick up artists and garbage men should switch names.
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YouTuber: if you like this video smash that subscribe button
Hulk: way ahead of you bud
*makes graveyard even scarier by carving all the tombstones into shark fins*
Narcissist? Let’s just calm down with the big words and keep this conversation about me.
I don’t know why we have three different pig emojis but it’s great for when you need to tell someone a pig is slowly approaching:
“Installing this app on a smartphone or tablet will mean everyone in the house can easily adjust the thermostat.”
Dads in unison: “Nooooo!”
*zips up tent*
[Wife]: What happened
[Me,scratched up & clothes ripped]: I was uh..
*flashback to me being chased by a bee* wrestling a bear
Why is it called a menstrual calendar and not an egg timer?
Piss me off in the grocery store and I’ll get in front of you in the checkout line and pay for a single tomato with a personal check.