Pick-up line: Hi, I have never been a Hollywood producer or USA Gynastics team doctor.
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You like bad boys? Not to brag but I’m bad at everything.
-me flirting
Honest wine recommendations are exactly what you need via @pleatedjeans
“If you clean it, they will come. .. and destroy it. … immediately” Field of Dreams 2, Housecleaning w/ Kids
I hate when people call and say they’re 10 minutes away for a “drop-by surprise visit” and I have to set fire to my house.
“Follow me!”
Me: Don’t tell me what to do, ERIC!!!
(Me at an exercise class)
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Sandy
4. Hand Jive
5. Ramalamalamadingadadingedong
– Five Stages of Grease
My mom has been having trouble with her joints – it’s hard to roll them with the arthritis
Your 20s: I will strive for goodness and peace in this troubled world.
Your 40s: Every single chair is terrible.
Granny moaning “godfuckingdammit” as she vomits Red Lobster scampi. @RedLobster: What’s your favorite seaside memory with your grandparents?
Just saw an advance screening of Age of Ultron. Spoiler alert: he’s 47
Pro Tip:
If you leave an assortment of tissues, cold medicine, and a big bag of cough drops visible on your desk, coworkers will avoid you!
Would like to be a man who dies with his boots on, but knowing my luck it will be a day I chose to wear socks with a pair of Crocs and my friends will have fun with that.
[at ER]
ME: my stomach hurts.
DOC: have you been able to eat anything today?
ME: yeah, like 75 pieces of pizza.
There is never a wrong time to tell someone you love them
except maybe during their wedding to someone else or during a mountain rescue attempt where they really need to focus.
All I’m saying is what kind of father would encourage a wayward son to carry on?
5yo: What happens when we die?
Me: People fight over your stuff
[calling my ex]
me: hey so I really hate how I left things with you
her: aww me too babe
me: so… yeah… can I come pick them up?
lol so today this bookstore is having what could be its first health & safety inspection in about 258 years and reader I am crying with laughter
they sent a very helpful man who started off super cheery but 1 hour later is acting like he’s trapped in a SAW movie
Jason: Honey?
Wife: Mmmm?
Jason: Where is my hockey mask?
W: I washed it. It’s next to your machete
J: Hon, that’s my work mask. If it’s all shiny clean and smells like Gain it just kinda loses something when I’m stalking camp councillors
My CPR expires tomorrow. So if you plan to stop breathing, do it today
My garden has produced some sick beets, some smashing pumpkins and some red hot chili peppers.
We go on tour in the fall.
I don’t know, my pockets are always stuffed full of things I need.
me after noticing a slight change in someone’s energy towards me
Movie super villains always have wild origins stories like “Fell into radioactive goo” or “Possessed by alien” when a more realistic and gritty one would be “Attended Harvard”
I remember when spring break meant a week on Padre Island parting with my friends, and now it’s spent hoping my kids aren’t on Padre Island partying with their friends.
Stop telling your kid “We’re leaving in 5 minutes.” They have no idea what that means. Nor do they care
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
what’s for dinner?
ME: indian
we had indian last night
ME: i know, but i forgot to do the ‘i see a little sillhouetto of a naan’ joke so
This makes total sense…
“Half a league, half a league, half a league onward,” though obscure has a better ring to it than 2640 yards, 2640 yards, 2640 yards onward.