During the bank robbery, I was the one who heroically soiled himself & cried in order to incapacitate the robbers with laughter
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Each week our panel of 3 celebrity chefs compete to create the ultimate final meal for a death row inmate on LAST SUPPER, this fall on FOX
I don’t know squat about bitcoin but with so many crypto experts following me, you’d think I had invented it.
me: hey big boy
friend: please don’t talk to the Lincoln memorial like that
As the rain pelts down on the window I am simultaneously happy I don’t have to go water the garden and pissed because I just washed the car.
[presses every button in elevator] here’s how Michael Bay ruined the ninja turtles
Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…
I would like to nominate my husband for Father of the Year for having the innovation to rename Tomato Soup to Ketchup Soup, thereby getting our kids to actually eat it.
Don’t pretend like your cat wouldn’t 100% microwave fish if they had half a chance.
I’ve already accomplished* so much today
*been afraid of a goose
*pulling up to toll both with megaphone in hand*
Booth operator: ma’am please not again
Me: someBODY once tolled me—
I did vote once but only because I thought the line was to a buffet.
The Wendy’s Baconator is my favorite burger that also sounds like a pig from the future who’s here to kill you
[Bedroom]
Him: *Panting* I swear I usually last much longer than that
Her: Sure you do
Him: Time me *holds breath again*
I’m telling you, my cat mimics my every move. And that wouldn’t be a problem if she wasn’t constantly trying to steal my fake eye lashes
Him: The kids and I had a game night. There was a good bit of arguing and some crying.
Me: Oh? …how did the kids behave?
Sitting down and tilting your head to the side will increase your chances of food intake by 82%.
– Dog Logic
Once I ‘get’ a man, how do I keep him, you ask?
It’s simple you idiot. I add cheese to everything. He makes lasagna; I add cheese. He wants to have a pass; I throw straight cheese. He wants to discuss fundamental physics; I buy string cheese…
[at a sperm bank]
“Can I browse the clearance bin?”
sorry you tried to win an argument while i was wearing a sundress
Do dogs think humans are in a constant battle to claim toilets?
Our 10 year old keeps asking me for his first mobile phone and every time he does I ask him ‘who you gonna call?’ and until he answers me correctly he sure as shit isn’t getting one
5-year-old: I can’t finish my lunch. I don’t feel good.
Me: OK, then no ice cream.
5-year-old: I’m sick, not dead.
Sorry I dressed up your babies for a cowboys and Indians reenactment.
It was super cute until the smallpox incident.
My favorite new hobby is walking by my four year old and unnecessarily explaining to her whatever the item she’s holding is. “That’s a plate. You use it to hold food when you’re eating.” Her:”I KNOW WHAT A PLATE IS! YOU DON’T HAVE TO TELL ME THAT!”
Sorry for not paying attention during the inflight lifejacket demonstration. But this is a domestic trip so please only wake me up when you start demoing how to use a parachute.
[Cop flashes headlights behind me]
WIFE: I think he wants you to stop
ME: No I think he wants a street race
[A few minutes later]
ME: *taking a corner at 90mph* Guess I was right again, huh Linda
How in the hell do people lose their children in a mall?
Seriously, any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
[my husband who is a bodybuilder divorcing me]
Me: *explaining to lawyer* I misunderstood cheat day.
The Punning Dead.
U-HAUL, may I help you?
“You have any moving boxes?”
No all our boxes stay still
“Well you better go- wait what?”
Stop calling here, Dad