[picking her up for a date]

ME: you should know that i have a baby from another marriage

HER: really?

ME: yes, but the parents haven’t realized it yet so we gotta hurry, get in

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I carry around a fog machine so I can make a dramatic entrance every time I enter a room.


I found where my mom hid the scissors, so everyone in my house woke up with a new haircut this morning.


Google+ is starting to sound like a half-way house for people that aren’t phony enough for Facebook but aren’t edgy enough for Twitter.


I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count downloading gardening shows illegally.


If you care about someone,
even a little bit.
I beg of you.


“Surprise!” they yelled as he came in.

He screamed.

“Happy birthday!” they said.

“Do I know you?”

“No. We’re just excellent surprisers.”


Even if you don’t pay, they’ll usually let you go through a car wash at least once a day without a car.


My husband came home at 5:47am & wanted to know why his key wasn’t working. You don’t live here anymore. That’s why.


Change is always hard….

Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.


Tinder date: Do you have any religious beliefs?
Me: *Motions vaguely in the direction of the refrigerator*