@sixfootcandy I carry around a fog machine so I can make a dramatic entrance every time I enter a room.
@TheHyyyype [picking her up for a date]
ME: you should know that i have a baby from another marriage
HER: really?
ME: yes, but the parents haven’t realized it yet so we gotta hurry, get in
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@sixfootcandy 
@SveldtSmelt I found where my mom hid the scissors, so everyone in my house woke up with a new haircut this morning.
@CandyEmpires Google+ is starting to sound like a half-way house for people that aren’t phony enough for Facebook but aren’t edgy enough for Twitter.
@JimmerThatisAll I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count downloading gardening shows illegally.
@1CleverGirl1 If you care about someone,
even a little bit.
I beg of you.
Please.
TELL THEM WHEN THEY HAVE SOMETHING IN THEIR TEETH.
@ASmallFiction “Surprise!” they yelled as he came in.
He screamed.
“Happy birthday!” they said.
“Do I know you?”
“No. We’re just excellent surprisers.”
@SadPeruna Even if you don’t pay, they’ll usually let you go through a car wash at least once a day without a car.
@divamonroe2uhoe My husband came home at 5:47am & wanted to know why his key wasn’t working. You don’t live here anymore. That’s why.
@BurhanHafeez1 Change is always hard….
Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.
@okimstillhungry Tinder date: Do you have any religious beliefs?
Me: *Motions vaguely in the direction of the refrigerator*