I carry around a fog machine so I can make a dramatic entrance every time I enter a room.
[picking her up for a date]
ME: you should know that i have a baby from another marriage
ME: yes, but the parents haven’t realized it yet so we gotta hurry, get in
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I found where my mom hid the scissors, so everyone in my house woke up with a new haircut this morning.
Google+ is starting to sound like a half-way house for people that aren’t phony enough for Facebook but aren’t edgy enough for Twitter.
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count downloading gardening shows illegally.
If you care about someone,
even a little bit.
I beg of you.
TELL THEM WHEN THEY HAVE SOMETHING IN THEIR TEETH.
“Surprise!” they yelled as he came in.
“Happy birthday!” they said.
“Do I know you?”
“No. We’re just excellent surprisers.”
Even if you don’t pay, they’ll usually let you go through a car wash at least once a day without a car.
My husband came home at 5:47am & wanted to know why his key wasn’t working. You don’t live here anymore. That’s why.
Change is always hard….
Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.
Tinder date: Do you have any religious beliefs?
Me: *Motions vaguely in the direction of the refrigerator*