[picking her up for a date]
ME: you should know that i have a baby from another marriage
HER: really?
ME: yes, but the parents haven’t realized it yet so we gotta hurry, get in
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Me: *breaks the neck of my enemy to save ammo
Everyone else at laser tag: 😳
Brain: eat that entire pizza
Stomach: please don’t
Me: *eats pizza*
Stomach: i hurt so much
Me: i feel sick
Brain: eat that dessert
Me: okay
Stomach: oh my god
“Look guys! No hands!”
-captain of the Titanic
Me: would you trade me for a younger woman?
H: oh honey age doesn’t matter! I’d trade for someone who doesn’t talk through the game.
Earth: Goodnight Moon
Moon: …
Earth: I said ‘Goodnight Moon’
Moon: …
Earth: Look, I don’t choose which days they celebrate
Moon: Whatever
Asked the worker at the liquor store to help me pick out a bottle of bubbly and she handed me a “nice” $26 bottle, but then I said it was for when my in-laws came over and she took it out of my hands and replaced it with a $12 bottle.
I’d be really slim if it wasn’t for birthdays, anniversaries, Easter, Christmas, Mother’s Day, weekends and me.
The boys I nanny for just asked me where I work and I didnt have the heart to tell them their parents pay me to hang out with them so now they think I work at Chili’s
Wife wants some excitement in the bedroom so I’m going to put small rubber snakes in her underwear drawer
Caesar: You will be forced to fight to the death
Gladiator: Hell yeah
Madiator: well this is bullshit
If you want to suddenly be surrounded by small children & animals, crinkle a candy wrapper.
[interview]
“Says here, you like to master debate in your free time?”“Yeah, sorry, that’s a typo”
[Me and coworker going for the last piece of cake]
You’d better ask yourself if you can type with one hand, Nancy from Accounting.
Lemon is supposedly a good diuretic. I ate a quart of lemon pudding and nothing is happening.
My mom asked me to pick her up from the airport. I know she raised me, but if I do this, we’re even.
my boss said “why is your shirt untucked” and I said “bc my pants are tucked into my shirt” and now i’m the sales manager
My mind: You’re 18…
My body: …minutes from death.
Based on how much my baby is attracted to bright lights and shiny things you’d think I birthed a moth.
Celebrating a year since my bike got stolen and the wee boy put it on FB marketplace that evening and I stole it back the next day.
Why are there no horror movies about astronauts dealing with a werewolf on the moon? It’s such a perfect setup.
normalize being naked at the laundromat so u can wash ALL ur clothes
was listening to the very hungry caterpillar audiobook in my car and accidentally spent $174.09 at the drive-thru
I got a notice we are taking company pictures today.
*walks in dressed as Super Girl.
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
Bros, I have a code-red bro alrert. My wife tried the lawn mower and now she knows it’s fun af. She wants to trade chores! Help me!
I love sipping margaritas by the pool. Or, as my neighbor with a pool calls it, “Trespassing.”
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
If we just switch to cursive and ban automatic transmissions, we can cripple an entire generation.
my cornflakes bring all the boys to my yard
& theyre like
this cereals hard
damn right
my cereals hard
u should add milk
so its not so sharp
Here in the South, we don’t consider a cookout successful unless there’s an ambulance involved.