I bought one of those endless magician handkerchiefs and boy, is my proctologist gonna earn his copay tomorrow
[picking out a washing machine]
how many watermelons can this hold?
“uhh I dunno, 11?”
*keeps walking to next one*
how many waterme
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“There’s a clown hanging over you.”
“You mean cloud.”
“I wish I did.”
Shake up a random soda pop in the company fridge today. You deserve it.
How long do I microwave these turtles before I can teach them karate?
These birds at my feeder. None of them have a plan.
Girls love it when guys:
– are respectful
– are handsome
– eat watermelon really fast and spit out the seeds like a machine gun
dark lord: FINALLY! EARTH’S TREASURES ARE MINE!
gary: what if the REAL treasure is our friendsh-
dark lord: not now gary
This is the coolest video you will see today.
Him: I hope you die a slow painful death
Me: oh, no I’m not married
how did harry potter get down the hill?