@CoolCamel69

[picking out a washing machine]
how many watermelons can this hold?
“uhh I dunno, 11?”
only 11?
*keeps walking to next one*
how many waterme

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@ADHDeanASL

I bought one of those endless magician handkerchiefs and boy, is my proctologist gonna earn his copay tomorrow

@JimmerThatisAll

“There’s a clown hanging over you.”

“You mean cloud.”

“I wish I did.”

“Dammit.”

@withanewname

Shake up a random soda pop in the company fridge today. You deserve it.

@intellegint

Girls love it when guys:
– are respectful
– are handsome
– eat watermelon really fast and spit out the seeds like a machine gun

@stuckinaportal

[portal opens]

dark lord: FINALLY! EARTH’S TREASURES ARE MINE!

gary: what if the REAL treasure is our friendsh-

dark lord: not now gary

@lifecoachfit

Him: I hope you die a slow painful death

Me: oh, no I’m not married